On the wall, above my bed is the photo that is in the blog header, and printed over it is “You were made to do hard things”.
I sometimes think the lesson of 2014 was that I was made to do hard things, but not all at once and not all the things.
I have gotten so much better at self-care and essential kindness in the last 5 years. I went to see my old therapist a few weeks ago about something unrelated to self-care, but one of the things I was so excited to tell her about was how much better at self-care I have gotten. A few days before my appointment, frustrated at school, at work, at life, I turned off. I had a bath, went for a walk, read a novel, put myself to bed early. I didn’t even hit the overwhelmed stage. I caught it well before that, knew what to do.
In short, I’m not the woman I was 6 years ago. More and more I embed kindness to myself in what I do. I may not put myself first, but I’m on the list. I’m gentle with myself so I can do hard things.
The gig came to me in another form. It was supposed to be smaller, it was supposed to be simple. A bit of help. It’s . . . . not that. It’s bigger. For the last 5 years, when something has gone wrong, when there’s been a problem, I’ve reminded people that no one would die. I have closed my laptop with work to do, because the work will keep.
When they came and found me, I tried to demur. Tried to say that we could find someone else, pointed out that I would be oversubscribed. And then my boss, the one that came and found me – she reminded me. This time people are dying. This time the work won’t keep.