- 4 days. 22 Meetings. That’s what this week is.
- But Niece the eldest came home this week to start her almost last year at University. (Well, home for me. Her mother has a different view of which city is home)
- In Winnipeg this week. Which, I am sorry to say, is a city that I do not like. Possibly I have been spoiled by the charm that is Victoria, or the hustle and bustle and options that is Vancouver.
- Winnipeg is hot, humid and it smells. It smells bad. I’m sorry, but it does. It’s not even a consistent smell. I keep telling myself that the water was high and it was late summer and this another trip, but Winnipeg, you are killing me. . . . .
It’s the sort of comment that is so carelessly thrown out and it floats in the air weightless. If it finds a weakness, it sinks in at that spot, driving where it finds deep into the ground. Most of the time there is no weakness – no one knows from anything, and the comment just dissipates. Sometimes though.
“You never buy anything before the baby comes. God forbid something should happen and you would have to pack all of that stuff away. Can you imagine how terrible it would be?”
As it happens, I can. I don’t even have to imagine. I can close my eyes and just . . . be there. I can, if I want to, remember every single moment of it. The packing up of my maternity clothes and then giving them away 3 years later.
I can remember Mr. Spit dismantling furniture, I can remember hauling it downstairs to the basement, I can remember the people we gave it away to, I can remember repainting the nursery so that it could be my office. I’m typing this, sitting where the crib would have sat.
Every single agonizing moment.
I don’t have to imagine.
I got in the car after the conversation, and drove myself home, crying. Angry that I was still crying. It’s been so very nearly 7 years.
There comes this moment in grief where you simply become tired of it. Tired of the fact that Gabe is still dead, I’m still here, it still hurts.
If I am truthful, it hurts every moment of every day.
Not like it did.
Never again like that pain that first happened. But this pain that comes every so often is an echo of that pain. When the random pain from a weightless statement comes home and it becomes the heaviest weight you can imagine.
Not forever – but for a while. You pick up that terrible weight that you carried anew, or maybe it was always there – and you heft it along for a while.
I wonder, in the frustration of still this pain, still there, still hurting, still real -
Just why. All of those why’s. Why did I get pregnant? Why couldn’t I carry a child? Why did he die?
- I made macaroni and cheese and apple brown betty last night for dinner. It’s a meal that gets consistent raves and every time I make it, I feel a bit guilty because it simply could not be easier.
- Why is it that we feel like we need to drive ourselves crazy making really complicated stuff, when the easier stuff seems to make people happy?
- Speaking of which, as part of slowing down, I was thinking of more simple dinners. I grew up with a roast, 2 veg, some sort of starch and a dessert for Sunday dinner. What do you cook?
- It’s finally feeling like fall. I love fall. I have no idea what about fall it is, but I love everything about fall.
- Maybe it’s because I like fall clothes? Or the cooler weather? Or my birthday? Or school supply shopping?
- Honestly, I’m super sad that I don’t get to buy duotangs and gluesticks and felt markers.
- It’s the one thing that I think sucks about adulthood with no children.
- Hello Monday.
- You didn’t have the greatest start and you haven’t improved upon further acquaintance.
- You can be gone – any time now.
- Mr. Spit’s alarm went off at 5:40 this morning. I woke up. Mr. Spit did not.
- As much as I am trying to focus on how productive I will be at work at 8 am, I must confess I’m a bit grumpy.
- The success of today will be largely predicated on my ability to get a massage appointment to deal with my neck issues from last Sunday’s MRI.
- That’s really all I have to say today.
I travelled from Winnipeg to Vancouver yesterday. I sent some photo’s of the journey off to the Handsome Aussie.
He reminded me of how fortunate I am to live here.
I completely agree.
Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta, British Columbia.