Category Archives: Baby Loss

Between the Lilac and the Birch

The first spring, when my mum and I stood on my crappy back deck and looked out over a wasteland that was supposed to be my back yard . . . . There was a lilac. It was somewhere between … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss, Gabriel | 3 Comments

Places You Can’t Go

It is 3 am on December 10th, and I am awake. Waking up to worry is a near constant part of the pandemic, the stress of my job, perhaps even my nature. Usually I can sleep until 4 am. I … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss, Gabriel | 8 Comments

Women Like Me

Today is Rainbow Baby Day. Now, perhaps if I had a baby that lived after Gabriel I might be more of a fan, although I don’t think so. (This is a good time for an aside. I think for some … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss, Life After Children | 2 Comments

Not Me

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy. We’ll call him Mr. Ice Cream. (Yes, dating during a pandemic is weird.) He was at my house last night, eating dinner. In the corner of my dining room is a … Continue reading

Posted in Adult Dating, Baby Loss, Pandemic | 4 Comments

It Passes

The day passed. It was harder than many: it was cold and rainy, with the sort of overnight temperatures that make planting bedding plants unwise. The garden I spread my mum’s ashes in remains closed, so I could not go … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss | 1 Comment

What does a Mother Look Like

Thus far, a flower store I often use sent me a reminder about flowers. West Jet told me what my mother most wanted was a trip (I’d say she took her final and perpetual vacation in December of 2014, but … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss | 3 Comments

Need Help

When I wrote about the break in, I told all of you that I would order a replacement bracelet for Gabe. Except I can’t. the website still exists, but repeated inquiries and requests have gone unanswered. So I did a … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss | 4 Comments

Carry you With Me

I tell people that politics is a family sport. My grandfather, my mother, me. I apparently (I don’t remember this) door knocked in my first election when I was 5. I don’t remember the first one, but I remember many … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss, Gabriel | 5 Comments

Three Reasons

There were three reasons for the second dram of scotch tonight (which might yet turn into a 3rd dram). I could tell you about the contract negotiations that have consumed most of my waking hours since Jan 7th, but frankly … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss, Flying with Warthog Air | 2 Comments

Grief Smells Like Tuna Fish

After Gabe died, when I came home from the hospital, I remember eating tuna fish casserole. Alone. I hate tuna fish casserole, I ate it because I could not figure out how to cook and I needed to eat.  I … Continue reading

Posted in Baby Loss | 1 Comment