I did a smart thing at the end of May. It’s such a remarkably smart thing, I’m a bit astonished at myself. I had a very nice dinner out with Kuri for her birthday, and I came home a bit tipsy and happy, thankful for my very great friends and I had a message on my answering machine. It was from our cousin, who was so pleased to tell us that she was pregnant, and she just knew we would want to be involved every step of the way.
I refused to fret. In fact, I deleted the voice-mail after I finished listening to it, and decided not to think about it. I had a great day, and this was not going to ruin in. I sent a nice, distant email a few days later. I’ll knit a sweater (this is family, after all) and that’s that. I’m pleased for her, but I’m not interested. I don’t have to be interested. It’s liberating, really. Oh, it doesn’t take the pain away, but I’ve decided for wont of better words, that I’m not playing.
Yesterday sucked. It sucked harder because it was the day I found out I wasn’t pregnant (again, would you look at that!), it was a lousy anniversary and oh, a co-worker announced to all and sundry she was 15 minutes pregnant. It sucked hard. As she stood over my desk, raving about how pleased she was, all I could see was myself dumping another negative test in the garbage.
I won’t lie, it’s not fair. Nothing about it is fair. I spent the day sad. I tried to get someone to meet me for coffee, for lunch, for drinks, for anything. I wound up going home, alone. Mr. Spit is out of town. I was depressed enough that even the thought of buying another pair of shoes didn’t excite me.
I wish I could tell you why sometimes I can decide to not let things upset me so, I wish I could tell you why I am smart sometimes, and other times I am utterly stupid. I don’t know what the difference is, I don’t know why I can only control my emotions sometimes.
May? It was a success. Yesterday, abject failure.
Today’s another day, right?