I did a smart thing at the end of May. It’s such a remarkably smart thing, I’m a bit astonished at myself. I had a very nice dinner out with Kuri for her birthday, and I came home a bit tipsy and happy, thankful for my very great friends and I had a message on my answering machine. It was from our cousin, who was so pleased to tell us that she was pregnant, and she just knew we would want to be involved every step of the way.

Umm, no.

I refused to fret. In fact, I deleted the voice-mail after I finished listening to it, and decided not to think about it. I had a great day, and this was not going to ruin in. I sent a nice, distant email a few days later. I’ll knit a sweater (this is family, after all) and that’s that. I’m pleased for her, but I’m not interested. I don’t have to be interested. It’s liberating, really. Oh, it doesn’t take the pain away, but I’ve decided for wont of better words, that I’m not playing.

Yesterday sucked. It sucked harder because it was the day I found out I wasn’t pregnant (again, would you look at that!), it was a lousy anniversary and oh, a co-worker announced to all and sundry she was 15 minutes pregnant. It sucked hard. As she stood over my desk, raving about how pleased she was, all I could see was myself dumping another negative test in the garbage.

I won’t lie, it’s not fair. Nothing about it is fair. I spent the day sad. I tried to get someone to meet me for coffee, for lunch, for drinks, for anything. I wound up going home, alone. Mr. Spit is out of town. I was depressed enough that even the thought of buying another pair of shoes didn’t excite me.

I wish I could tell you why sometimes I can decide to not let things upset me so, I wish I could tell you why I am smart sometimes, and other times I am utterly stupid.  I don’t know what the difference is, I don’t know why I can only control my emotions sometimes.

May? It was a success. Yesterday, abject failure.

Today’s another day, right?

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17 Responses to Karma

  1. HereWeGoAJen says:

    I’m sorry that yesterday sucked. I hope that you have better days ahead.

  2. Maureen says:

    I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

    I was thinking/wondering about you and your tcc after yesterday’s post. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I had better words, or a hug (of the real life version) for you.

    You aren’t failing, you’re human.

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Oh what a dismal cluster of events. Bad bad June! So sorry about the bfn.

  4. a says:

    I think we need those really difficult days to build up the strength to have the good days. It’s like weight training (or running!). Exercise always hurts, and exercising control over your feelings is no exception.

  5. Kristin says:

    I really hope the Mays in your future are more prevalent than the June8ths. You are not failing my dear. You are just clearly seeing the ups and downs of life that many never acknowledge.

  6. Brown Owl says:

    I think the only thing that could possibly cheer you up is a basket of kittens! They will make you smile in spite of yourself!

    Hang in there Mrs.S.
    Thinking of you…

  7. I’m so sorry, Mrs. Spit. So very sorry that you had such a horrible day. Here’s hoping that June will only get better.


  8. Virginia says:

    I agree with Brown Owl: a basket of kittens may be just what’s needed.

    I’m sorry you had such a horrible day.

  9. elizabeth says:

    all i know to say is that i have NO IDEA why these things happen.
    and i think that “chin up, forward march” is more deserving of a medal than most anything. it’s not just one moment of bravery – it’s a whole lifetime of bravery . . .
    i hope there are some bits of sunshine in your path as you keep your chin up and forward march.

  10. Sue says:

    Motherf*cker. People are idiots.

    A basket of kittens — or even puppies — is definitely called for.

    I’m so sorry people suck.

  11. Jacquie says:

    If you ever need a drink/coffee/something day find me on f/b and I’ll be there in a jiffy. Some days those drinks sound very appealing.

    ((hugs)) and boo to insensitive asses!!

  12. M says:

    ugh, yucky… so sorry that you got piled upon yesterday (which is probably the difference there). i found it was always easier to let the icky ‘roll off’ when i was feeling more positive about my path than when i was already down in the dumps. hoping that today is better.

  13. erin says:

    Sorry, I wasn’t working yesterday and missed your post so a day late I say “sorry, your day was sh!t, hope today is going along better – if you ever need to just get away from it all hope in the car & come visit that 3 hour drive might do you good and you are always welcome”

    Hugs to you!!!

  14. Aunt Becky says:

    Some days are just failures of days. I don’t know how else to say it. You’re not a failure, the day is. *sighs* HATE those days.

  15. Jamie says:

    You’re human. Some days we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and make it look easy. Other days are harder.

    June 8 was a hard day, but there will be another May around the corner.

    Unfortunately, there will be probably be another idiot around the corner as well. Have you ever hear that saying, “There’s a village somewhere missing their idiot”? I think about that a lot.

  16. linds says:

    I can totally relate to this. I think sometimes I am okay when I hear people are pregnant, but then other times I feel very not okay and very jealous. I cringe inside because I wonder, when did I become this jealous green-eyed monster?

  17. I am so sorry, Cheryl, for the absolute and complete insensitivity of your cousin. Her picture is next to the word, “Clueless” in the dictionary. Really it is, I checked.

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