Cannot Live Here

I have been blocking a shawl for the last hour. The shawl has sat unblocked since August, but I have derived enormous satisfaction out of pull edges, steaming and pinning, manipulating blocking wires. This I can control.

My neice is laying in a hospital bed in Billings, and my great-niece is coming tomorrow, on a wing and prayer, small for gestational age, 7 weeks early. I have raged and sworn and kicked the front door. I have made phone calls and asked questions. It may be that I am the only person who fires off staccato questions about bio-physical profile numbers and fluid levels and heart beat monitoring.

I am raging.

I have sworn and cursed and howled and in the end, there is nothing I can do. I would get on a plane to Billings, leaving my work cell phone ringing merrily away, but for what?

I stood on my front porch, my phone in hand and I looked up and I swore and I swear still, I cannot live in this world. I cannot understand this world. Just shy of three years ago I laid in a hospital bed, and I begged and I pleaded for mercy, for grace, for a miracle. I wept and I cried and I screamed in my innermost being, and my son died in my arms.

And that ought to be enough tragedy in a single family. My niece and I, between us, have 8 miscarriages, and that ought to be enough tragedy. We have waited and borne and endured long past where anyone would scream for this to end.

And tonight, I find myself begging again. For a child I have never met and has her hands around my heart, and my hands on top of her and I will not let her go.

Hear me now Lord, I may never hold a child of my own again, and I will make my peace with that. I will hold my head up high and I will proclaim your resurrection even still. But please, please Lord, I have walked this path and I have held it together and I have mostly made it through the other end.

Her name is Emma, and she is the child of her mother’s heart and her father’s dreams, and please Lord, don’t take her too. Her mother and I would do whatever you ask of us, and please, don’t ask this. Please, let my son be enough. Let her stay. My words are faint, shouted into the winter’s night, and we have nothing to offer but our entreaties. I can’t even fathom words past please Lord, nononononono. Please.


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21 Responses to Cannot Live Here

  1. Betty M says:

    Hoping for the very best for Emma, your niece and you.

  2. Gloria says:

    Sending prayer up for sweet baby Emma.

  3. HereWeGoAJen says:

    My whole heart is with you and your niece and Emma. May it all have been enough. You have our prayers.

  4. debby says:

    Ah, my Christ! My prayers for your niece, and for Emma, and Mrs. Spit, I pray for you too. I’m so sorry that you have to relive this.

  5. Julie says:

    Holding you and your family in the light.

  6. Amanda says:

    I’m praying for your niece and grandniece.

  7. a says:

    Prayers sent for Emma, her mom, and all of your family…

  8. Angie says:

    Though I am not always the praying type, still, with my full heart, in compassion and empathy and carrying the suffering of my grief so your niece might not have to endure it too, I am joining everyone in prayer. Emma, please be well, little girl. Rosaries said for Emma tonight, Mrs. Spit.

  9. loribeth says:

    Oh, Mrs. Spit. 🙁 I hope & pray that Emma & her mom will be among the lucky ones. (((hugs))) to all of you.

  10. Searching says:

    How utterly terrifying. Praying for you all, and extra for sweet Emma to fight HARD.

  11. Jamie says:

    Send prayers of love and strength to Emma, her parents and you, dear Mrs. Spit.

  12. Virginia says:

    Oh. Cannot live in this world. Yes. I understand. And I am sorry. I am praying right here with you.

  13. Andie says:

    Prayers for Emma, her mom, all of your family …

  14. Msfitzita says:

    I will say a prayer for Emma. In fact, I will beg for her life. Again, I will beg.


  15. Kelly says:

    Saying a prayer for you, your niece and little Emma.

  16. Kristin says:

    Praying hard for your niece and her sweet baby daughter, Emma.

    Please dear God, have mercy on this family and grant them their prayers. Let Emma be born healthy and let her gain strength quickly.

  17. Needles says:

    My prayers are with you all, for you all.

  18. Prayers for Emma, her Mum, and you too.

  19. Erica says:

    If I could pray now, I would. But I am thinking of your niece and you and hoping as hard as I can.

  20. Elizabeth says:

    I am so sorry about this – holding Emma and her mother in my heart.

  21. Barb says:

    Prayers and love from our household.

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