As best as I can describe it, it’s like when you get in an elevator and it moves downward more quickly than you expect it. I think something or I do something, and then I catch the error of my thoughts.
I look at the armoire that was mine as a child, the rocker that has been in my family all these years and I think I will hold on to them for my children. I look at a spinning wheel and think, when I am pregnant I will take up spinning. I see a teenager learning to drive and think when we have a child, we will send them to driver’s ed, and not teach them ourselves.
Oh, there’s that sudden drop.
That won’t be my life. That isn’t my life. That’s not me.
The more I think about it, the more the analogy of the elevator is utterly correct. If you watched some one’s face in that elevator, perhaps you might see a change in face for a split second. If you blinked, you would miss it. So much of what happens in the heart, the mind is invisible. You just don’t see it.
Last night, I packed up my office, getting it ready to paint. By this time next week, with the new furniture in, the walls painted, it will no longer be a nursery – all that once was will have been hidden from view. Catch it quickly now, before it goes away.
I have been deliberate in my choices. Not frivolous, but demanding. I want furniture that I like. I want decor that fits me. I want a room that is all mine, and not cobbled together from what we had around the house. I have new shelves, a new desk, new lighting. I will have some new art work, and this space will be mine.
It has been strange, this desire. Creating this room has been every inch my declaration of my new life. This room is the new Mrs. Spit, the Mrs. Spit who works and doesn’t have children. This is my celebration. For all that I am leaving behind, the room tells me that I am anxious to move forward as well.
But now, as I sit in an almost empty room, with yellow and green walls, as I look around at what might have been, at what we thought and planned and dreamed, it is a too fast elevator. The sudden drop, the mental re-arranging, the change in altitude. You wouldn’t see it if I didn’t tell you, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.