I started this blog in March of 2008, so almost 4 years ago. Blogging became therapeutic. It helped to write and write and write about Gabriel, about trying to find my way in the world. I wrote and wrote and sorted out my feelings. I still do that.
I am prolific and verbal. I have written 1273 posts in just under 4 years, which is or more or less a post a day. Things have changed since I started in 2008. Almost none of the people that I knew when I started are still blogging. Almost all of them have children now. Almost none of my original commentors are still commenting. The world is vastly different since I started. Dare I say it, but I am vastly different as well.
On the 23rd of December I got a note from my domain provider, indicating that it was time to renew. I did so, but this has led to a great deal of thinking.
Blogging daily is a constant challenge. Each day you want to write something and the challenge becomes to write something that is at turns profound or challenging or captivating or funny.
I have learned in the last year, it isn’t always possible to do that. Sometimes I can sit down and from my fingers flows a post that is good – good enough that I read it back and think “wow, I wrote that?” Sometimes it is hard to think of what to post. It’s hard to think about what’s interesting or what I want to write about. What I wrote in those early days was captivating, perhaps in the same way that a car crash is. I was so raw, everything was so painful. Most of what I wrote was a cri du coeur. It was a hard adjustment into this new life.
My readership, my writing, my life has changed so vastly since that time. Obviously, I have moved from “mother of recently dead child” through “overworked and underpaid” to job crises to “trying to figure out how to live with no children”.
When I lost Gabriel, I could find blogs about women who had lost children. I found compatriots, there was a cadre of us – those who lost our babies at more or less the same time.
There does not seem to be any such thing, at least not really, about women who live childfree, in circumstances similar to mine. I did a dedicated search in November, I found 2 more blogs. Neither blog is particularly active.
I feel lonely, at least some of the time, here on the internet. I write at Glow monthly, and I get some great feedback, but if I am touching people, it is only one person at a time. I am thankful for the chance to provide succor for that one person – it seems a great gift.
It’s just, occasionally, like all of us, I need succor as well. I need to know in the midst of the mummy bloggers or the childfree by choice or the political bloggers or the crafty bloggers, I have a community. I am not all alone.
Perhaps what is hardest is that while I love writing, what is left for me is to blog about the random things of life. Yes, I will blog about Gabe, about life without children, but that isn’t the whole of my life. If this is true, what becomes the theme of my blog? I don’t have a handy category, like mummy blogger or knitting blogger or political blogger. There doesn’t seem to be a category called “every day life” blogger.
I thought about not blogging. I thought about stopping. I debated leaving my blog up or taking it down, trying to figure out which was best. I finally realized, I love writing. I like showing up here, sitting down and thinking “and what shall we talk about today?”
Which I guess leaves me wondering a sort of open question – what do I write about from now on? Is a blog filled with the randomness of daily life at all relevant? Even if it is relevant to no one, is is worth it to me to keep writing just because I love it?