Would It Make You Feel Better?

Would it make you feel better if I told you I don’t particularly like Michelle Duggar’s politics either?

Would it make you feel better if I told you I don’t have 19 children, in fact I don’t have any?

Would it make you feel better if I told you that my husband isn’t the head of my house, I work outside the home and when I attend church, I attend a liberal church?

Would it make you feel better if I told you that a hundred people came to my son’s funeral? Would it make you feel better if I told you that he actually looked like a baby? Would it make you feel better if I told you that we grayscaled the photo’s so you couldn’t see the bruising and the blood?

Would it make you feel better if I told you that my son’s photo is in the dinning room with his ashes and that children looked at the photo over Christmas and asked who he was?

Would it make you feel better if I told you that we told those little girls that he was our son and he died?

Would it make you feel better if I told you that they don’t appear to be scared for life? If I told you that none of the hundred people at the funeral have thrown themselves off bridges or taken up drinking or been traumatized by my ridiculous outpouring of grief?

Would it make you feel better to know that there is an entire galaxy of parents that have lost their babies? Would it make you feel better to know that 1 in 200 pregnancies will end in perinatal demise?

You make a lot of judgements you see. You throw around words like crazy and damaged and repugnant. You talk about nightmares and accuse Michelle of publicly displaying something revolting.

Would it make you feel better if I told her her child, my child, they were just babies? Would it make you feel better if I told you that they were no different from your babies?

Would anything make you feel better? It’s just that you are very quick to throw words around – you are very quick to confuse Michelle Duggar’s politics with her humanity, and you are dragging all of us in with you.

Does it matter if you feel better? You see, it’s not your baby. It’s not your niece, your nephew, your grandchild. It’s really nothing to do with you.

It doesn’t make me feel better, but then again, it doesn’t make me feel bad. You are confused. I know that. You are caught up in oh so many things, and you are waiving your arms around, proclaiming judgement about things you don’t understand.

It’s not about feeling better. It’s about living the life that is in front of you, the life without the baby you thought you would have.

I really don’t care if you feel better.

I would really love it if you would just shut up.


I have read some astonishingly ugly blog posts about the way the Duggar Family handled their daughter’s death. More than anything, I am shocked at the way people who have no experience load all of these expectations about what is appropriate onto families that are grieving, mostly because they hate the Duggar’s politics. Surely we can separate politics from grief in a civilized world?

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21 Responses to Would It Make You Feel Better?

  1. Mr Spit says:

    Surely we could, if it wasn’t all about grandstanding for political gain. Sad.

  2. Natalie says:

    The things said about them is horrible. She is a mother. It infuriates me that people dare judge someone on how they grieve.

  3. loribeth says:

    The Duggars’ (& the Santorums’) political/religious beliefs in no way resemble mine.

    But I am absolutely appalled at the comments that have been flung around about how they both handled the respective losses of their babies (and of course, many of us have done exactly the same things, or wish we had in retrospect).

    As a wise man once said, “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” :p

  4. Michele says:

    WHAT AN AWESOME POST! Thank you for writing it!

  5. Hillary says:

    Hi, I’m coming over from Michele’s blog today to read you. What an awesome post. Thank you for everything you said. I wish I could print it out and hand it to soo many people I know. My husband and I felt very judged after the loss of our daughter by both our family and friends (and probably some strangers to boot). We “were grieving too long”, we “were celebrating her life too much for someone so little”, we “were talking about her to our other children and they might become deranged and confused”. So so many ugly things to have to face as a grieving mother. I would have liked to tell all of them to shut up too. I can only imagine Mrs. Duggar having to face so many similar things but on a national scale. It must make her pain 1000 times worse. My heart hurts for all of us.

    Thanks again for this post. xoxox

  6. Ms. J says:

    Thank you.

    I get horribly upset when people criticize the Duggars’ large family, and then use that as some sort of justification to criticize or mock their grief and mourning.

    All of their children are precious to them, just like ours are to each of us. The number is immaterial. There is no trophy handed out for grief.

  7. Sprogblogger says:

    Yes. That’s it exactly. I couldn’t disagree more with the Duggars’ politics, lifestyle choices, etc., ditto for the Santorums. But they lost babies, for heaven’s sake. Give them some privacy and space to grieve in whatever way works for them. No one who’s never been there (well, really no one at all) should be snide about the different ways a family might choose to work through its grief. There are some things that decent people should just leave alone–and people mourning a family member’s loss is really #1 in that list. Well said, Mrs. Spit.

  8. Trennia says:

    I’m coming over from Michele’s blog today to read your post and you said everything amazingly!
    Great blog post…my heart goes out to the Dugger’s and all babyloss families…I am a babyloss momma.

  9. Erica says:

    Thank you for this. I am not a fan of the Duggars (or of reality television involving children) but I’ve found many of the responses to their loss to be profoundly hurtful, and this is the calmest, most sensible take I’ve read on why those kinds of comments are beyond the pale.

  10. Catherine W says:

    Well said Mrs. Spit. Probably the most sensible and compassionate thing I’ve read about this whole sad situation. I was unaware of the Duggars until recently, as they are not so well known here in the UK, but I am amazed at the vitriolic comments that have emerged on the internet with regards to the ways in which they have chosen to mourn their child. Unbelievable and sobering how cruel some people can be when hidden behind the anonymity of the internet.

  11. Mer says:

    I couldn’t agree more with what you’ve written.

  12. debby says:

    There was so much outrage over those pictures. I don’t get it. I don’t get why everyone seems to think that the only way to think is their way to think. Jees already. Leave people think their own thoughts, live their own lives, make their own choices. It’s a free country.

  13. a says:

    I saw a story about how the Duggars had released pictures of the baby, and I wondered about it. I clicked through to the story and read that the pictures were from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and I thought – well, that’s exactly what they should do, and maybe releasing the pictures will stem the tide of coverage. Apparently, I was mistaken. How ridiculous for anyone to criticize the mourning of another.

    Well said, Mrs. Spit.

    (and you wondered what you might blog about. There are plenty of fools out there who will give you plenty of fodder.)

  14. Theresa says:

    Love it. Oh how we humans love to jump all over each other. Make judgements and comments into situations we know nothing about. What is the old saying “Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt”?

  15. jen says:

    I absolutely can’t stand the Duggars, for a variety of reasons, but I am appalled at how awful people are being to them. No matter how objectionable I find their way of life, they are still people. I even wrote to Michelle to tell her how sorry I was that they lost their little girl and that the pictures were beautiful. I love that you did this post. You were way more eloquent than I could have been. I’m glad there are people like you to speak out.

  16. This is just amazing what you have written here. I feel the exact same way. You just say it so much better than so many of us could hope to!

  17. Elizabeth says:

    Well said, Mrs. Spit. Brava, bravissima.

  18. HereWeGoAJen says:

    I was so bothered by the coverage of the Duggars’ loss. So much of what happened to them was what happened to me and they made a lot of the same choices I did. People are so quick to snap to judgement.

  19. Barb says:

    Yes. Well said.

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