I seem to write the same things, over and over.
I bore myself.
On Monday night I got to take part in a robbery. At McDonald’s.
I have laughed about it, the guy in the purple mask, demanding $10. I can make it funny, I will make it funny when I tell you. The guy left the store without his money and I ordered my nuggets with bbq sauce and then walked out of the store. It’s funny when I tell it. I wrote a jokey facebook status about being robbed 3 minutes after it happened. It’s funny, I insist. Make people laugh. Make myself laugh.
Because I still feel a wave of terror when I really let it stop being funny. I sat on a bus bench half a block away from the restaurant. I stared at my phone and tried to remember Mr. Spit’s phone number. I sat and shook, crying a bit, realizing what just happened.
I walked home with my nuggets, walked into my apartment and poured myself one hell of a shot. I downed it and poured another. I sat under a blanket, trying not to shake.
There was no gun, no knife. Only a kid high on crystal meth and another kid behind the counter who argued with him, escalating the situation. And me, a foot behind the would-be robber. Me, thinking I was going to die in a McDonald’s on Douglas street, on a rainy Monday night, in Victoria because the damn kid at the counter didn’t want to just hand over the money.
It was only a few moments of actual time. And it replayed in my head all last night, while I tried to sleep.
The woman who got back to her apartment and collapsed on the couch was not me. At least, she was not any sort of me that I am proud of. I wondered last night, wonder even now what the hell my problem is. I was in no real danger. The restaurant didn’t even call the police.
Second verse, same as the first. Why did I think I was going to die? Why not? I lost all of my illusions about fairness in life. I might as well die in a McDonald’s on a rainy Monday night at the age of 34. Why not? It’s as reasonable thing as any when life isn’t fair.
I just, for a little bit, thought that it was.
Second verse, same as the first.