Still Her

Am I still the same? Has anything really changed?

I left the house at 7 am this morning, to go to the lab.

I drive in the dark and the ice, thinking about all of the times I have done this. Thinking about all of the times I drove to the lab praying that this would be the cycle, that this pregnancy would stick, that this would be my turn. The times I watched the needle go in and my blood pool in the test tube. Praying earnestly, fervently, mightily under the bright lights, the smell of antiseptic its own incense.

The car is different.

My hair is different.

Am I different?

I rolled up my sleeve, stuck my arm out, counted the tubes. Only 2 this time. I have never been able to figure out the collection system. All those boxes (and sometimes all those hopes) and only 3 tubes? No hopes and 15 tubes?)

Am I different than that woman?

I want some sort of answer. I want some sort of validation. I want someone to tell me that I am better, stronger, braver than I was.

I want all of this to have meant something. To have done something to me other than leave me a burnt out shell of a woman.

And I’m wondering about this, about the choices I made and how I have dealt with them. I turned to my work. If I couldn’t make a difference by having children, couldn’t find meaning that way, I would work.

I’m good at working.

(Not so good at making babies, really)

And at the end of my life, will I be happy? Will I look back at my life and be pleased?

They tell me that no one looks back and wishes they worked more, but what else is there for me, a woman with no children? What are my options?

Am I any different? I thought I would find meaning with children. Now I’m trying to find it in my work.

Has anything really changed?

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5 Responses to Still Her

  1. N McInnis says:

    Peace be with you, especially today.

  2. a says:

    No one looks back and wishes they worked more, maybe, but people look back and say “I’m glad I was able to contribute. I did as great a job as I knew how, and it made something better. I can be proud of my work.”

    Your biology and genetics may not be optimal, but those are separate from “you.” There are a whole host of ways those things can disrupt your life – from giving you bad eyes to making you allergic to seafood to any number of other things. That is not your whole being, but it can become so if you make it.

    You have many years ahead to affect many people in a variety of different ways. I hope you can get the answers you seek, but the technology may not be here yet. Much luck.

  3. debby says:

    There are so many things that we have no control over. Making a baby falls squarely into that category. The things that you do have control over, you have taken charge of. You have done these things to the very best of your ability.

  4. Jacinta says:

    I ran into an old colleague who worked for me today. It reminded me that I had a positive impact on her life. I also thought about the people I’ve worked with who made a difference both personally and professionally. They tower in my mind in ways my own parents never could or would.

  5. Jamie says:

    Beautifully honest, raw post. Thank you for sharing and I can relate in some ways. While I grapple with holding onto hope for a child one day and living my life in the present, and not waiting for life to happen, I search to have a purposeful life.

    Most people at some point will search for legacy, that thier life has had meaning and they have made some kind of greater impact. Some find it in children, others find it in thier work. Maybe those who did not love their job or were just punching in their time on the clock may reflect those sentiments about “no one looks back and wishes they worked more.” If you are passionate about your work, then that is good and deserving of your effort and attention.

    Do you feel like you are pooring yourself into your work to avoid something else or as a way of coping? Or do you feel excited about what you are doing and find it puts a smile on your face? You say you are good at work. How does it make you feel?

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