“They thought you were mean”.
I got some feedback from a client yesterday, and it was that they thought I was mean. I brought the project in on time, on budget. I did four months worth of work in 6 weeks. Now, to give a sense of balance, the client raved about that. The client had nothing but good things to say about the project and really about me. The mean comment was an aside. No one who mattered was worried about it.
Except for me.
Mean.
The mean wasn’t actually a problem. Someone else attached to the project reportedly said “Do you want to get the work done or do you want someone to be nice? She’ll get the work done”.
There’s another word.
Nice.
In my last job, assertive became “aggressive”. Focused on results became “doesn’t play nicely with others”. Showing leadership in a meeting became “taking too much control”, which finally became “being bossy”. I would ask what to do differently and no one would really have an answer. So, I stopped speaking up, stopped trying to push meeting participants to a conclusion so we could get on with the project. Which was never me. I became someone I wasn’t, unable to produce results or even get anywhere on a project. They liked me better and I hated myself more.
Mean still strikes me in a very primal way. I have thought about it, and while I can truly say that I wouldn’t do anything differently, I still don’t like being thought of as mean. It’s not because I’m a woman, it’s not because I want people to like me, it’s because I value kindness.
I don’t want to be mean because I think the world needs more kindness. I want to be kind because I value kindness in others. I want the world to reflect more kindness and that starts with me.
It strikes me as a sort of kindness to make people produce work on time and on budget. It strikes me as a sort of kindness to produce a deliverable on time and on budget. It’s a tough kindness to be sure: it puts people on the spot, it makes people engage with the process.
And I suppose that’s where the word mean came in.
Which makes me think of the word nice. I hate the word nice. I hate its banality, it’s erstwhile-ness. I hate the way it says so much without saying it specifically. I hate being told that I’m nice in equal measure to being told I’m mean. Nice always has more than a whiff of vanilla pleasantness. A sort of forgettable and obsequious filler. Low calorie, low fat.
I don’t want to be mean and I don’t want to be nice.
Call me smart. Call me dedicated, passionate. Call me funny. Call me outrageous, call me curmudgeonly. Call me obstreperous. Call me a bitch.
Call me mean, if you must, for doing my job.
But please, don’t call me nice.
As someone who is most frequently described, when she is described at all, as ‘nice’ I agree. And it doesn’t do my career any favours either.
Better get out my vanilla perfume I guess?
I’d rather be mean than nice too. But I don’t seem to have it in me.
Someone said something to that effect to me,
though I pride myself as a civil, professional, and kind person who does not take things personally.
However, as this person made this judgment, I could not disappoint. It did not go well with that person’s superiors when I presented overwhelming evidence of that person’s incompetence, which I held back on saying anything about because I am not a mean person by nature.
It is not so bad to be called mean. It means that people will tread lightly and think twice about messing with you. Business is not the same as real life and you should not necessarily want to cultivate friendships or otherwise hold hands with people you deal with professionally or worry about their personal opinion of you too deeply because not all people possess class to filter their thoughts and behave accordingly.
I have encountered this same thing at many of my previous jobs. They can’t criticize you on your work because you are timely, accurate and proficient so they attrack you in other ways like you’re mean, don’t play well with others (love that one), being bossy, etc. I have to say I am finally in a job that truly appreciates the work I do and the way I do it. When I am given accolades, I can tell they are truly from the heart and never do I hear the word “nice”.
I don’t know how personally I would take that comment. After all, your work was praised. I think it often comes down to the fact that you’re a woman, and you get things accomplished. If you’re not simpering and flirting to get stuff done, you’re mean.
Of course, take that with a grain of salt. Some former coworkers and I used to have discussions about these things, and whereas I was mean, one of my friends was outright evil. I wanted to be like her.
And in my performance review discussions there, when they would ask “What would your coworkers say about you?,” my answer was “Well, at the very least, they’d have to say that I’m polite.”
My Mother use to say, ” It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.” You do not have to be mean, or unkind to get the job done.
You are good with the written word. If you are getting negative feedback on the management skillset, or a history of poor reviews unrelated to performance/results, try taping a meeting or conference, and listen objectively to yourself. Or, ask an unbiased associate for honest feedback and be prepared to listen to the comments. The key is and the hard part is, being objective.
Are you a driven type A personality who needs to be in control and expects everyone else to do what you tell them? That can put peoples backs up and is not always condusive to a happy or successful relationship or for team building. Could you have done/said things differently? Can you go back to the person who made the comments, have a coffee and in a non confrontational manner find out what it was you did or said that resulted in the opinion?
Take it (mean, nice) as an opportunity to look in the mirror and honestly evaluate yourself. No one is perfect. Not everyone will appreciate how you get results. Use the comments it to improve – or validate your stance. You will not be everyones favourite team lead, but you can always be a better one.
Consider this. There was a reason 4 months was alotted for the project … perhaps it should have taken 4 months and not six weeks.
I’m of two minds about this, as there are people I work with that I consider “mean” right now.
I’m assuming you were direct, which often reads as mean to those who are unaccustomed to hearing bad news with their good news. Knowing you, I know that you’re direct with everyone around you and you are that way because you respect people as able to handle the truth.
On the other hand, the people I think of as mean are not merely direct. They put effort into colouring their words with malice when none is required to get their point across. Even when I steel myself to deal with them, it still sends my heart racing for a moment whenever I hear a subtle but nevertheless intentional and unnecessary insult woven into a simple request.
That’s the part that I’d want to
In general, I work very hard to hear what people are saying at face value, without me applying what I think they mean. If they are saying something aimed at me, I get to choose how I hear it. I get to choose how it rolls around in my head.
Mean would have bugged me, but only till I understood the circumstances about why they were saying that. That can be improved upon.
However, nice is ok. Forgettable. I think I can cope with that. This would be my ultimate success, if in my own quiet way, I touched someones work and made it better but no one remembers why or who, but that it is used every day. Sort of like velcro and the sticky stuff on the back of a post it.
The absolute worst though, absolute worst is when you work and they acknowledge it as good and perfect and give you high praise and then rebuild the same darn thing over and over and over. That, now that, is an insult of the greatest kind. That kind of insult, I shall carry to my grave.
I earned a nickname in college, that has somewhat stayed with me. And at this point, it is both a pride and an inside joke.
“Mean Reen”
In our society today, I have, and continue to, ‘earn’ it. It started with a little boy (age 6) that I provided respite care for while I was in college. I was listed on his emergency contacts and allowed to pick him up from school if needed. The school had a policy, if you falsely pulled the fire alarm, you were sent home for the rest of the day. For the 3rd time in a week, he pulled it. His mother the previous times picked him up, and took him out to fast food, then took him home and played with him. When they did not immediately get a hold of her, the boy cried “Don’t call Reen! She will be mean! She will not let me play!” I got a phone call. I picked him up, asked for all schoolwork he was missing, and took him to class with me. Not letting him interact with my classmates and professors, he was allowed to do his homework, look at books, color, and eat the pack lunch I hastily put together. He started calling me “Mean Reen” that day. When my school day was over, I took him home (there was a message he was with me and I called between classes, there was no worry of where he was). His mom commented on how mean I was (she was serious). He never pulled the fire alarm again. From that day on, I’ve held the nickname. When I’ve done similar actions, it gets pulled out. People truly view me as mean. I’m okay with that in those circumstances. I did/do not do these things maliciously, but as a consequence. I have standards. I hold myself to them. I hold my children to standards. If that means I am ‘mean’ by my society definition, I’m fine with that. (My sister-in-law regularly calls me mean because I don’t allow my children to have candy for breakfast, if they don’t finish their meal, no treats, milkshakes are not interchangeable with milk, if you purposely hit your sibling there will be a punishment even if you say sorry).
Nor do I want to be considered nice. I’m not really called that regularly, so I don’t have a lot of opinion other than I would really rather not.