You know You’re A . . . When

I should know better. I really should. Everyone tell me, I should know better. When My BIL, whose politics are slightly to the right of, well, everyone I know, posts on his Facebook page, I should just click in the other direction.

Otherwise, I will read a note that says “You Know you are a Liberal When. . . . .” And I will fascinate myself, spending the entire evening thinking of an equally caustic and disdainful equivalent for those to my right.

You know you’re a liberal when:
1. Your first reaction to anything you dislike is, “There ought to be a law against this!”
2. You foam at the mouth over how “hateful” and “intolerant” conservatives are.
3. You think there should be a million laws to protect children…unless they’re unwanted: then they’re “tissue”, not children.
4. You believe in “survival of the fittest” but you want to take the “fit’s” livelihood and give it to those who refuse to contribute to “society’s” survival.
5. You accuse the Bible of teaching hate against gays but ignore that it’s only in countries which have had the Bible that homosexuals are given any rights at all.
6. You enshrine personal freedoms, civil liberties, and privacy but think children should be taken from their parents if they aren’t in government-run schools.
7. You believe that “separation of church and state” is written in the
Constitution but you don’t find it peculiar that the government legislates against churches all the time.

8. You think outlawing guns will
prevent their use but fail to notice that millennia of laws outlawing the crimes of violence, rape, and theft haven’t done anything to stop them.

9. You believe people should question authority but you have a fit when they try to put stickers in textbooks reminding students that evolution is still just a theory.
10. You think immigrants who entered the country illegally,
proving their contempt for the law, would make model citizens.

11. You watch more than 9 out of 10 blacks vote for Obama and don’t notice any racism.

If anyone likes this list, you’re welcome to publish it anywhere you like, as long as you don’t change it to make it rude, angry or insensitive. – Luke

And I will laugh to myself, and I will want to post my own version here, and then I will remember that I do have a few conservative readers (wave hello guys!), and I will equally remind myself that I am somewhat conservative. (No, really, I am.)

And I will try to be nice about the whole darn thing, until I read that note at the bottom. And that’s when I say, game on. . .

You know you’re a conservative when:
1. Your first reaction to anything that might violate what you think is in the Bible, or what you want the Bible to say is to make a law.
2. You foam at the mouth about how stupid and ungodly those Liberals are. Why, they’re positively un-American.
3. You think you should be able to tell a woman what to do with her body, until you have to help pay her health care bills. It’s ok if children don’t have healthcare or food after they are born, as long as we don’t abort them.
4. You believe in organized groups, as long as they are church, or the NRA, and not unions or civil rights movements.
5. You love the portions of the Bible that deal with sex and violence and spanking your kids, but you somehow manage to ignore the parts about love and charity and duty to neighbour.
6. You want the smallest government possible, that is still big enough to be in everyone’s bedroom, all the time.
7. You believe that “separation of church and state” is written in the Constitution but find that annoying. You’d rather legislate Christian morality than have people chose it because you’ve shown them the influence of God in your life.
8. Your convinced that if you just look hard enough, you’ll find that right to bear arms in the Bible.
9. You believe that no one should question authority, unless it’s you doing the questioning. If you are questioning, then that authority is just wrong, and more importantly, unGodly.
10. You think immigrants who entered the country illegally, often risking their own lives, living life on the edge, with virtually no safety net, doing jobs that no American wants to do would make lousy citizens, but they make great cleaners and gardeners.
11. You watch more than 9 out of 10 blacks vote for Obama and still don’t believe that maybe the national sins of slavery are being slowly abolished.
12. You want to tell everyone how to be married, but your rate of divorce is as high as anyone elses.

See, I can do that too. I probably even got some of you smiling – at least wryly. And I can say that I’m fair and reasonable and even-handed. I can even mutter about speaking the truth in love.

And I’m left at the end of this, with a dirty taste in my mouth. None of it is true. Not what my BIL said about Liberals, not what I said about Conservatives. It’s all parody, an intellectual short hand. Discussing the issues without having to sit and make a reasoned plea. Not even discussing the issues. We aren’t articulating a policy to prevent child poverty, we aren’t articulating ending gang violence, and there are still drug addicts on our streets. We hurling accusations, that have no basis in fact.

It used to be that politics was the process that attempted to define a better country. A better place to live. It used to be that policy could change lives, could make our countries better. It used to be that some Christians fought against slavery and fought for civil rights. I think, I hope we used to debate policy, not sling mud.

We can all sling mud. It’s easy enough. I’m wondering if we can debate policy.

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13 Responses to You know You’re A . . . When

  1. Tash says:

    It seems like the only discussions any more are on places like “The Daily Show,” where sadly “comedy” allows the host to ask informative questions.

    We’re a nation of bumper stickers (and now Tweets) where the whole point of parties was to foster discussion. We simply assume and presume and leave the table with a preconceived notion affirmed and nothing gets done.

    And damn, do we have a lot to do.

  2. Heather says:

    First I’ll say I’m a conservative (I think). But, I smiled at your list because it was funny. And regardless when it’s all said and done everyone is at fault for everything. I hate politics, so my arguments useually have no basis other than what I’ve “heard”. But I’ve often wondered how our country would vote (for everything) if we could take the “spin” off of everything and put it in list format in writting. No BS, no spins. Just facts, simple and clean. No comercials, no debates, no liars being alloud to run around on daily shows and confuse us stupid mortals. For instance:
    I will (or will not) raise taxes.
    I will (or will not) outlaw abortion
    I will (or will not) outlaw guns
    Like that. Simple straight forward. Then I can read the list and say, yep or nope! Obviously this is an impossible thing for so many reasons. But man, it would make politics so much easier for people like me who don’t care about the stupid stuff and just want the real truth. I just don’t get all of the twisting and turning and shadding and sugar coating that goes on in Washington. And really, it’s every man for himself isn’t it? So few politicians are there to really help out the country as a whole. Most of the time people do what is best for them, regardless of how it affects anyone else. What happened to the days when people wanted to make this country a great place for the sake of everyone, and not just for themselves? There’s my two cents!

  3. Martha says:

    I have got to send this to my friends and family. BRAVO, Mrs.Spit, A triumph!
    I’m tired of labels, people shouting at each other in the guise of expressing their opinions, and the do as I say not as I do attitude.

  4. niobe says:

    It’s so hard because it seems sometimes that people with different political views aren’t living in the same world or seeing the same things. The ideological filters are so strong (and I’m guilty of this myself) that it can be difficult to understand that reasonable people might disagree.

  5. Ya Chun says:

    It’s not an issue of conservative vs liberal or Christian vs anything else. It has to do with the nasty F word.


    Bad in the Middle East. Even worse here.

  6. ScientistMother says:

    Oh mrs.spit, discussing policy that is just crazy talk. Why that would require us to actually think about what is going on in the world and what changes/sacrifices we could make to improve our lot, as a society. It would take time out of our lives to think about something outside of ourselves.

  7. Susan says:

    You go Mrs. Spit! I agree that it’s intellectual shorthand, (I LOVE that term and I hope you don’t mind if I borrow it), but you sometimes can’t ignore hateful generalities like Luke is spewing. I think you made your point.
    And made it in a thoughtful, articulate manner.

  8. jess says:

    Mrs. Spit, I think I love you.

  9. Bluebird says:

    I like it 🙂 And Tash’s comment cracked me up – because it’s true! When the non-comedians try to debate issues, it’s always buried in so much b.s. that everyone is left with no idea as to that person’s position on the issue. So sometimes it just seems easier to, as you said, hurl accusations.

  10. Carbon says:

    I still do believe that policies can change lives (like the homes first programs in NY – that give people a home without first requiring them to have their addictions and mental illnesses magically cured).

    We know what works, sometimes it frustrates me that it takes so long to take these successes nationwide (worldwide).

    Perhaps we should start all of our conversations on policy, not with what we disagree on but what we agree on.

    Maybe we could agree that people who work hard should not fear for their homes, health, or children.

    Maybe we could agree that people who want to work hard should have every opportunity to do so.

    Maybe we could agree that programs which help addicts and the mentally ill (often related) become productive citizens should be supported and fostered everywhere.

    I’m sure there are others.

  11. JamieD says:

    This is my problem with politics – their beliefs are generally to the extreme but you MUST have conservative beliefs to be a conservative and the same with liberals.

    Why can’t we meet in the middle and discuss what really matters?

    Your post had me laughing out loud more than once!

  12. Mr. Spit says:

    I think that what my brother, as well as countless others who hold to similar Chinese Cookie precepts, would like to be believe is that the world is made up of black and white, good and evil.

    It’s a world where it’s shades of gray. It’s this indistinct nature that allows people to pervert the letter and intent of scripture to support or denounce to their heart’s content. We get into troubles with lack of context – which leads to people like my brother being blind to himself and his beliefs and how much they step away from the foundation of love that is Christ.

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