Monday Miscellany

The correct way to cook bacon.

I made bacon for breakfast yesterday morning, and Mr. Spit was heard to complain that it was “slightly overcooked”. Now, this struck at the very core of my cook’s soul, because that bacon, ladies and gentlemen, it was perfect bacon.

It was crisp and melty and brown and in no way woobly. It had the perfect amount of maple flavour, and it was nothing less than 5 perfect strips of wonderful.

There are people, ladies and gentlemen, who cook, or I should say “cook” their bacon so that it is still woobly.

I’m not even talking the horrors of boarding school bacon, where you brought your fork close to the bacon and it squeaked PleaseDon’tEatMeI’mNotDeadYet. No, I’m talking about people who don’t understand the moral imperative associated with cooking bacon that has a structure that roughly translates to Queen Victoria looking at Brittany Spears.

These people – the other people who don’t know right from wrong, they cook bacon that most reminds me of a 15 year old caught with the mickey of rye and condoms, while trying to sneak out his bedroom window on the way to a party.

That sort of bacon, the bacon that most clearly resembles certain federal politicians and used car sales men, that bacon is just plain wrong. It’s the moral failure of bacon. It’s the mistakes were made, but I’m not going to apologize for them bacon.

Yes Mr. Spit, you could tap the bacon on the side of your plate and it would shatter. I wouldn’t advise this, what with the difficulty associated in eating afterwards. The right cooking of bacon produces bacon with moral backbone. Don’t you want to eat bacon with backbone? Why do you hate democracy and culture anyway?

All the rest of it is so much woobly, oozy, undercooked, phlegmatic mess. Save your time and money. If that’s what you want, fry some baloney.

Or invite a politician to dinner. Same thing really.

This entry was posted in Cooking. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Monday Miscellany

  1. Joanna says:

    I whole-heartedly agree with this in every way.

  2. Needles says:

    Oh, you have touched a nerve and I am on your side. Eloquent. Oh that Mr. Needles read your blog (though I will be referring him to it)

    Many years ago, I was very impressed at a friend’s house, to find the hubby cooking the steak. (my mom always did it and the Chez Needles had no BBQ). When the gents were out of range, I was told the situation existed because her hubby had complained about the doneness of the steaks once too often. She has not cooked another steak to this day.

    Shortly after this event, Mr. Needles bemoaned the quality of the eggs and their level of done-ness. I have not cooked a breakfast egg since.

    Mr. Needles also cooks the bacon. You can guess why, but he does make a portion of the bacon correctly because I threatened to burn the toast if he didn’t make mine right.

    You gotta do what you gotta do. We live in breakfast harmony.

  3. Mr. Spit says:

    I like chewy bacon, not shattery bacon. Not that it was poor, or bad, or anything negative… but just a touch more cooked than I prefer. I can’t believe you married me with this massive failing in how I like my bacon! *insert drama* 😉

  4. Andie says:

    I would eat your bacon anytime. Can’t stand the wobbly kind! Crispy is the way to go (though you described it much more eloquently).

  5. debby says:

    Alas! Serious charactor flaws are often carefully hidden until later after you’re married. Tim and I are lucky to be perfectly compatible: our bacon is crisp, thick sliced black pepper bacon. I can only suggest this: look at the thing squarely and admit it. Mr. Spit is a woobly bacon man. You are have a more cultivated palate. Perhaps it is time to compromise and eat pork sausage (maple flavored). 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.