I’d like to scream

Really, I’d like to scream.

I packed up at least some of my maternity clothes today, to give to a co-worker. And I’m glad that’s she’s expecting. That’s not what makes me want to scream.

But, I’ve told a few people today, that I was going to give her some of my clothes. And no one has said a word.

I went into those boxes, and I picked up and folded again. I picked up the shirt I wore to the hospital, when Gabe was born. I packed up my favourite maternity shirt, red and tan polka-dots. I packed up the first maternity shirt I bought. I packed up a few things I never even got to wear. I packed up my hopes and dreams. I packed up the best time of my life, and tomorrow I’m carrying them into work.

And no one has even noticed that this might be a bit hard.

ED: I have to confess, it’s not the lack of reaction on the part of my co-workers that bothers me. It was a few friends and my mother, that I told last night, and they just carried on with their conversations. I don’t think that most of my co-workers would understand. My friends? My mother?

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35 Responses to I’d like to scream

  1. Susan says:

    I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I also, however, can’t imagine what I would say if I were a coworker who noticed. You’ve done a good job educating me about my behavior around grieving friends. I’m still hesitant, though, to comment to them. I just don’t want them to feel like every conversation they have with me is about their loss. I’ll be thinking of you today.

  2. mrsfinn says:

    wow.

    The only thing I can think is that maybe they just don’t have a clue what to say.

    I’m so sorry.

    {{{hugs}}}

  3. Seraphim says:

    I’m hesitant to say this, but truly people may not know what to say to you. Is the need to scream really about your co-workers not saying anything to you? (asked in the gentlest of tones) Loving you and thinking of you Mrs Spit. And I’m damn sure that what you are doing is very, very hard.

  4. Sue says:

    You’re a stronger woman than I. Seriously. I can’t even look at the maternity clothes I wore, let alone re-fold them and share them with a co-worker.

    Really. You are doing a hard thing. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. loribeth says:

    What Sue said. You are far, far braver than I. It's been 10+ years & all my clothes are still hanging in the spare bedroom closet. I have so few things that were associated with my pregnancy; I canot bear to give what little I have away — let alone to a coworker, who I'm going to see walking around every day wearing MY clothes. Good luck!

  6. Martha says:

    This is sad and difficult. Go ahead and scream if you need to, this totally sucks and is so unfair.

  7. Tash says:

    I’m screaming with you.

    You’re lovely to do this — I can’t imagine even going down and lifting the lid of the plastic bins in my basement, let alone folding them or giving them away.

    To those wondering what to say, try “Wow, I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” Or, “This is really such a lovely gesture, and must be incredibly difficult.” Better yet, “I know it’s impossible for you to forget — please know I haven’t, either.”

  8. Busted says:

    I can’t imagine the strength you have to to do this. I’m sorry those around you aren’t realizing or acknowledging how difficult and brave this is.

  9. Julia says:

    Holy crap. Can I go whack the friends in question and your mother upside the head? I am sorry.

  10. Bluebird says:

    You are such a strong and graceful woman. I’m so sorry others don’t recognize that this about so much more than some hand-me-down clothes.

    Go ahead and scream. I’ll scream with you.

  11. Donna says:

    I’m sorry. That is such a hard decision to make. Letting go of those clothes is like letting go of one more connection to your beautiful Gabriel. Those of us living here in deadbabyland understand that but from the outside looking in – it’s just another box of clothes that you can’t wear. IMHO – Even your mother and dear friends may have no idea what that box of maternity clothes means – and what it means for you to give them away. ((hugs))

  12. Brown Owl says:

    It is not that they do not care, it is they do not understand the reality of the gift. That in your reality, those items truly hopes and dreams of a different future, Your future. Mr. Spit’s future.

    I am so sorry.

    If there is a good in this, it may be in gifting those hopes, dreams you will find a new kind of peace.
    I hope so. I believe so.

    That young woman, the co-worker who is blessed by your giving, will never ever understand what she has really be given.

    Do not take her response amiss.
    She has not walked in your shoes.

    Pray God, her baby is healthy and strong and all goes well for both. Not all, can walk the shadows, and find the sun again. Love you Mrs. Spit

  13. Aunt Becky says:

    I can’t imagine, Ms. Spit. I want to scream for you.

  14. Two Hands says:

    I can’t get rid of my grandmother’s luggage tag so I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. My heart is aching for you, but at the same time I’m so proud to know you, making this sacrifice, doing this hard thing so someone else’s life is better.
    Sending you love from the bottom of my heart.

  15. Virginia says:

    They just don’t have a clue. Or perhaps they have a teeny, tiny clue, and simply don’t know what to say. I don’t know. But we, out here, we feel it for you.

  16. Duck says:

    People are weird, they don’t get it (even my husband doesn’t always get it). They don’t want to talk about your loss, because it makes them uncomfortable – lame excuse – but it’s them.
    You’re strong for doing this.

  17. ScientistMother says:

    I”m so sorry. It must be so hard to feel like you’re doing this alone. Please remember you’re not. we are here. Your friends and mother? probably don’t know what to say, don’t know if they’re supposed to say something or not. If they do are they dwelling on something you’re over? Sometimes people think saying nothing is better then saying the wrong thing.

  18. Jacquie says:

    I will along with others scream with you.

    It’s just not right/fair.

    ((Hugs))

  19. JuliaS says:

    I know how hard this is.

    When I read the first paragraph, I started to cry because I know how hard that is. Those clothes represent hopes and dreams and sadness and tragedy and loss. I know they are only clothes and sometimes it was nice to know they would get some happy use. On the other hand – it still is yet another sacrifice of heartache.

    {{hugs}}

    You are here among friends and those who “get it”.

  20. Kuri says:

    I’m so glad you have this online community, because I so often fear – know – that I don’t “get it” and I can’t. You’re such a strong lady that it’s almost hard to see the pain within gestures like these. And it’s true that the loneliest part of tragedy is the fact the most of the world still moves on and continues their everyday efforts and concerns. I can’t recall if you told me about this (did you?) but I know that had you, I wouldn’t have known what to say either.

    Scream, though, if it makes you feel better. Sometimes that works for me, too.

  21. blueeyedtawni says:

    sometimes.. people may feel uncomfortable to bring it up . or may not know what to say.. but then some people can be asses…
    its a bittersweet moment to reliaze your sadness to your angel to another womans happiness 🙁
    hugs to you…

  22. ..... Carmen says:

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this heartache. It’s ok to scream. Scream ALL you want. My Mom likes to tell me that sometimes, that’s the only thing that will make one feel better. Hugs.

  23. Trish says:

    I’m so sorry, babe.

  24. Kami says:

    Sadly, my experience would predict just what happened. I don’t understand it either.

    I’m sorry and I do appreciate how hard that must have been. I stored my few maternity clothes for 4 years at a friend’s house occasionally terrified that she accidentally gave them away.

    I think it would be very hard to do what you just did. FWIW, your coworkers should have the ability to appreciate it too.

  25. Geohde says:

    Actually, I think even workmates should work that one out. It’s a Big Deal,

    xx

    g

  26. B says:

    I think that people find this really uncomfortable. But I am so sorry that your genorisity, courage and pain was whitewashed – or put aside.

    I have tried offering some of my stuff about, and the offer generally gets brushed aside. As if I don’t see what I am offering. As if their perspective is clearer. As if!

    I am sorry Mrs Spit. It is such a confronting thing to do.

  27. B says:

    Why are you offering your clothes? (asked in curiosity,not in judgement – i’ve done it too)

  28. Maureen says:

    I’m sorry.

    Hugs, with hopes of peace.

  29. meinsideout says:

    I am so sorry. Go ahead and scream. ((HUGS))

    My father is an alcoholic – sober for a long, long time – but we had to go to ala-teen when we were kids a few times and they talked about the elephant in the room. This reminds me of that and I am sorry that people just do not get it.

    I support your decision to give your clothes away – that was generous of you and I cannot imagine how hard it was.

  30. JamieD says:

    I don’t think people understand what the clothes really are, what the mean and what they represent. The memories they hold. They will forever be much more than just clothes.

    You are a wonderful, kind, gracious person, Mrs. Spit. I hope you receive back from the world all you have given, plus some.

    Holding you in my heart.

  31. Ya Chun says:

    WOW. I don’t think I could have opened my boxes, let alone given anything away (even though I know there is one pair of pants int here that I can’t fit into even now, without another pregnancy)

    Unfortunately, I CAN believe the lack of appropriate response. And the talking right over your huge announcement. It means something. Why did you do it, what does it mean? I am asking that, feel free to not answer, but that is also what I would have wanted my mother and close friends to ask. If I didn’t want to talk about it, I never would have told anyone.

  32. Meghan says:

    I don’t have screaming words for you but I am sorry you had to pack and give away the dreams that the box contained. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.

  33. CLC says:

    You have a big heart! I am sorry this was so hard. I am sorry that others don’t get it. It never ceases to amaze me how much others don’t get it, even our own families.

  34. Natalie says:

    It’s so frustrating when the people in our lives who ought to be at least a little aware of what you are going through seem either oblivious or unwilling to stop and acknowledge it. They may need a more obvious reminder that, hello, it would be nice if someone noticed that this was hard. Screaming may in fact be effective, heh.

    I haven’t given away a single thing I have…. baby or maternity. Losing the baby turns these things into far more than just clothes. I’m not sure people really get that unless they have something to compare it to. I certainly didn’t expect to have this level of attachment to every item of clothing I wore when pregnant.

  35. excavator says:

    I’ve been trying to think of what to say.It’s something along the lines of how poorly we’ve been educated in the art of being a true safety net for our loved ones–they’re going to hit the ground sometimes, hard, but we should be there to help mitigate the force.

    Still, it seems the information has been out there for a long time: ignoring or minimizing an expression of pain is nearly never the right thing to do. The grieving person needs to be seen, and heard, and they need to know that their friends see, hear, and understand.

    I’m sorry these important people failed you…”forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do…”

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