Not Ok

I fake it well. I really do. Through a tough day with a staff member who had to be disciplined even though I like him,  through a hard workshop, through telling my family, I fake it well.

I do what needs to be done. I do my job. I do it well.

Everything I’ve ever been trained to do, I do. By God, I’m a lady.

Right up until the more or less entire bottle of wine and you realize, I can’t fake it anymore.

I take care of everything. Until I realize, there’s no one to take care of me.

Maybe it’s not a surprise to you. Maybe you saw this coming.

But I’m kind of not ok.

I have a degenerative, chronic disease. It will rob me of  . . . everything.

I’ll just be on my hotel room bed. Sobbing.

I can make jokes, try and adjust my attitude, but really. . . .

I’m kind of not ok with this.

I realize you thought I was.

I realize you thought I changed my mind.

I’ve changed my mind.

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11 Responses to Not Ok

  1. HereWeGoAJen says:

    I’m not okay with it yet either and it isn’t even happening to me.

  2. Reese says:

    You don’t have to be ok and strong. Feel what you feel. Those who love you will adjust.

  3. a says:

    Pfft! Who would ever be OK with this? You can accept it and live with it, but be OK with it? That’s for Pollyannas who can’t live any other way than seeing the bright side. This sucks. You know it sucks. I know it sucks. It’s probably going to suck a lot more as time goes on.

    But you will carry on and live life and maintain the best attitude you can, because that’s who you are.

    “OK with this” – SMH Ha! Not gonna happen.

  4. Aunt Deb says:

    No one expects you to be ok with this, it’s not something to be ok with…ever. All that I would like you to be able to do, is be yourself though it. Don’t be brave because that is what is what you think you should be, just be you. Be scared, be angry and even be funny or sarcastic, if that is what you are feeling. If there was ever a time not to hide your feelings, don’t you think it’s now? I don’t think there is a etiquette book for this to tell you what to do when you have MS. Trying to hide or fake your feelings just seems like a lot of stress that you don’t need. Some situations may call for that, I get it, but when you can, be you. Just you.

  5. Dipitie says:

    It’s okay that you’re not okay with it. It’s a shitty hand you’ve been dealt. You do whatever you need to do to cope, being strong of crying your eyes out. It sucks and you have the right to feel any way you do. xoxo

  6. Peg says:

    So sorry. It just totally sucks. hang in there.

  7. Naomi says:

    I think you’re being too hard on yourself. How could you expect to know how you feel about this when it’s only just happened? You need to give yourself time. No one (including yourself) needs a definitive answer about you feel about this. It is ok to feel however you feel and if that changes and goes backwards and forwards, that’s ok too. I agree with others who say don’t hide your feelings or try to be strong just for the sake of sparing others, but I think it’s more complex than that. There will be times where you don’t *want* to express every (negative) emotion, for whatever reason (including sparing others), and that’s ok too. I know it’s hard, but I hope you can look into your heart and act in your own best interests as often as possible. From the little I know of you, I would be very surprised if doing that ever causes upset to others.

  8. Brown Owl says:

    Learning you have MS is shattering. It turns you from invincible to vulnerable. It exposes those bits of you that hide in the dark, the shadows of your being, to the harsh light of day.

    Working through these first days…. weeks… months and yes, years is not unlike the grieving process, but you are grieving for the person you thought you were/would be.

    You will never be the same. You will be different.

    You may find that you become better, more patient and tolerant, more generous, kinder; or you can allow yourself to become bitter, angry, isolated. Choices.

    Take this time to grieve, Mrs. S. but do not for one moment think you are alone.

    Why do you think “you” take care of everything or for that matter, why do you have to? Why can you not allow someone else the right to shoulder responsibility, to stand up and be counted? to be your rock?

    Part of being an adult is allowing someone else to shine and rejoicing- being grateful for their ability to do so; accepting a supporting hand with grace and appreciation, that is being a lady.

    Take this time to grieve, then get on with it, be good to yourself, take care of yourself. Decide what is important and what is not. Remember, stress and MS should not be mixed.

    Thinking of you and sending you and the Mr. hugs and Love.

  9. Alexicographer says:

    This? The MS? That you have MS? Is not OK. It is. It exists. But it is not OK.

    I do not know you. I have never met you. And I am not OK with it either.

    For all the good that does.

  10. Linds says:

    It’s okay not to be okay. I feel very not okay for you about this too. 🙁

  11. loribeth says:

    I never thought you were OK with having MS. I don’t think too many people would be. (I’m sure not.) MS is not an OK kind of thing. You’re entitled to not being OK with it. Really. (((HUGS)))

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