Mother’s Day

Mostly it’s just another Sunday. Another day of finishing some work for next week, packing a suitcase, cooking dinner, cheering on a niece and cleaning out the cat litter

Until that moment I stop:

I pull out Gabe’s scrapbook. Flip through the pictures. Pause at the shots of his tiny feet, almost life sized on the pages. Run my hand over the photos, rubbing across the soles of his feet, carefully posed. I pull out those memories I carefully store of the other children, the things I thought, the things I hoped. The memories I call theirs.

I move from the concrete to the abstract again.

This.

The children who were mine for such a short period of time.

These children who need no house room from me, who do not fill my days with busyness. The children who float in on a sunbeam, and float away like dandelion fluff.

They come back to me on days like this. Stealing into the corner of my office, attached to the sunbeam coming in my window. They fill my heart with memory and my eyes with tears. They come and remind me that my motherhood is the scent of a mayday tree in bloom – here and then gone.

I hold them with open hands, knowing they will vanish like the sunshine at the end of the day.

And right before they vanish again, I tell them that I wish they could have stayed.

I would have loved them so.

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7 Responses to Mother’s Day

  1. Alexicographer says:

    Seems to me that you do love them so.

    I am sorry they are not still here with you to be able to share that with you.

  2. Dipitie says:

    You do love them, just as I love my one lost girl. Xoxo

  3. Me Spir says:

    You continue to beautifully express such rending sadness.
    Another year of our boy not with us.

  4. You DO love them so.

  5. Alice says:

    Your sadness is so eloquent. I’m sorry you have only memories … If I could give you each of them back, for even a moment, I would.

  6. Reese says:

    Sending love…..

  7. loribeth says:

    Yep — you DO love them. And you would have loved them if they were here too. You would have been a great mom, too, because you are a great mom right now, within the parameters of the relationship as it now exists. Death doesn’t change the fact that we love — it just changes the ways we can express that love, I think. We do the best we can with the tools we have, don’t we?

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