I actually feel stupid admitting this, but I have a hard time remembering to eat. I have, on more than one occasion, literally forgotten to go pee the first time I thought of it.
I’ll think that I need to go and get food, or that I need to run to the bathroom and an email will come in, and off I go on the next tangent and I haven’t eaten or the meeting started and I didn’t go to the bathroom.
It’s a form of stupidity that actually beggars belief. I am 35 years old and I need someone to remind me to eat, to go to the bathroom. It’s a level of parenting your three year old requires. There is no conceivable reason an adult should not be able to remember food or bathroom breaks.
More than that, I need permission to eat, to take time to go to the bathroom.
This isn’t where I should start. I mean, not eating is the problem, or at least a problem.
I’ll re-start here. I entered my time in the last 2 weeks, and it was something like 113 hours when it should have been 75, and I don’t think I recorded all of my time – I think there was probably another 20 or so hours not accounted for. I promised myself after ATB that I wouldn’t do this again and here I am, doing it again.
And yesterday, as I dozed in an airplane seat on the way to Vancouver for a final presentation for a project, I did more thinking.
I said I wouldn’t ever “do that” again. With no real concept of what “that” is. It’s not reasonable to say that I won’t get too involved in a project, I won’t step up to the plate when most of the senior leadership on my team leaves, I won’t get involved. That’s just not me.
So, what is reasonable then? Because it still infuriates me when I realize that I have gotten to the end of the day and I have not eaten. Please do not misunderstand, there are people in my life who will remind me to eat, in some cases, they will get me food. I just feel like I should be able to manage this on my own. And, at least some days, I can’t. I don’t have the organizational skills, the memory ability or in some cases the actual time to figure out food.
Which takes me back to thinking. When I think about all those times at ATB, the single biggest challenge was that it was just me. I had a team, but I was so busy being their support, there was no one to stand for me. I burnt myself out. I ate lunch because Sys Admin literally would stand over my computer and force me to leave. He would force me to eat.
This morning, someone forced me to take 5 minutes in the kitchen and scramble myself an egg. I tried to protest and in the end I just made the egg. Mostly because I realized that I did need to eat. An egg takes 5 minutes, start to finish.
And on the drive to work I realized this – maybe, just maybe it’s ok to need a bit of help taking care of myself sometimes. And maybe sometimes I’m worth taking care of. . .