Can Come to any Good

7 years ago today I went into the hospital for what might have been called a routine test based on a minor concern.

My blood pressure was a bit high.

If I remember anything, when I think back, I remember being worried, but convinced that this was merely a bump in the road. Things would be fine, I thought. We would laugh about this. I asked for one of the fetal monitoring strips to put in the bun’s baby book.

I really did think it would be all right.

I didn’t think he would die. I didn’t have any idea that I might die.

People tell me now, in the middle of difficult situations, that things will work out, that things will be ok. Mostly I just want to smack them. What arrogance, what presumption. Things will be all right because you wish them to be?

The situation will – one way or another – end. Nothing carries on forever. But to say that it will be ok?

7 years later, as I remember, as I think back, I know this to be true: never again will I automatically assume that things will be fine, simply because someone tells me they will be. Never again will I tell someone that things will be fine, that things will work out as they should. Never again will I hold platitudes in the face of uncertainty.

Things will end. All things. Sometimes they will end well and safely and I will never take that for granted. Sometimes they will end badly. And I will keep living.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
WH Auden, Funeral Blues

This entry was posted in Baby Loss, Gabriel. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Can Come to any Good

  1. JM says:

    I am so sorry things turned out for the worst this day. Thinking of you today. HUGGS

  2. a says:

    I always thought the “I hope” in front of “Everything will be OK” was understood, but maybe not…

    Thinking of you and Mr. Spit and your son

  3. loribeth says:

    I thought things would turn out OK for me too. I was wrong. But I’m still here too. (((hugs)))

  4. Barb says:

    I agree. That realization was so Earth shattering for me that it sent me to therapy. Sending love.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *