Past Tense

I remember this discussion with Kuri years ago where we she commented that if she really wanted to learn astro-physics, she figured she could.

I am like that too. I flunked calculus twice. I really believe, in my heart of hearts, even knowing how weak my advanced math skills really are, I could learn single variable calculus. If I needed to, if I wanted to. If I was willing to put the time into it. The reality is that in this world, the world I live in, I don’t need calculus. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t use it. My days of calculus are past tense.

At least when the receptionist asked, I could recall my student ID number.

I talked to the faculty today about getting my Masters Degree. It turns out I can, provided I retake about 15 courses. That will bring up my GPA to an acceptable level.

Let me put it another way. This amounts to about 8K and another 2 years of senior undergraduate classes, before I can even think about starting my Masters. Classes I would have to ace, while working full time and having a life. I would be in university for another 5 years. For a Master’s Degree.

It’s GPA based. You either have the grades or you don’t.

I thought about writing to the advisor. I thought about reaching out to a friend who works at the U of A and asking him for help figuring out the appeal process. I had clinical depression. It was bad. It was really bad. It was a miracle that I didn’t flunk out of school. It was a miracle I didn’t kill myself.

I go back to the bit about calculus and astro-physics. Sure I could learn it. I could take a class, buy a text book and get help learning all of the wobbly bits of math I would need to learn, but why? It’s not going to make my life better. It’s past tense.

I need a master’s degree for my career. It’s the next logical step. I want one because  I love learning. It really doesn’t matter, within a few options of degree type and location, where I go and what I do.

It turns out I can go to another University, be done in 18 months, get an MBA and carry on. It turns out that this is exactly what I will do.

Depression is past tense for me. I’m mindful of it, I’m angry it has cast such a long shadow, but really?

I started out this post angry. Angry at intractability, angry at stupidity. That’s past tense too.

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