Letting Go

The City of Edmonton has approved backyard chicken coops. If you are me, this is of interest because you have this image of yourself:

Wearing a long skirt (that I don’t own), a gauzy cotton blouse (that I also don’t own), a big straw hat (I’d have to buy that) with bare feet (phew, doesn’t involve a trip to the store) I was going to be the woman with the blue and white striped ceramic bowl (Which I would have to buy), taking care of her chickens. I am also 4 inches taller, about 40 pounds skinnier and my hair is pulled back in a perfectly smooth braid.

My chickens are cute and fluffy and they don’t require much maintenance at all. I stroll in the backyard in my earth mother outfit and I collect eggs and pick lettuce and peas from my garden and it is always sunny.

****

I spent twenty minutes googling chickens and coops and thinking about this life. Well, this day dream.

I am not an earth mother. I wear make up and perfume and I cannot fathom a circumstance in which I would not wear a bra.

For years really this was my dream. If I could just get to a point where I was like all of the other wives at church -If I could wear long skirts and grow organic food and have 10 children, with an ever present smile of my face and a plate of healthy cookies at the ready –

If –

I’m not that woman. I’m short and I live in jeans and a cardigan and I work too much and I love high heeled shoes and I talk about politics and wear red nail polish. I am not plain and simple. I do not possess a quiet and gentle spirit.

We talked about the chickens at dinner last night. We talked about them and we joked and Mr. Spit and I agreed – that’s not who we are. Mostly we talked about the last time we talked about getting chickens, which was when I was pregnant with Gabriel.

I’m not getting chickens and that’s ok. It’s not who I am.

I might have been her, if Gabe stayed. Maybe. Possibly.

But he didn’t.

And I’m not.

This entry was posted in Baby Loss, It's an Ordinary Day. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Letting Go

  1. JM says:

    And that’s perfectly OK. You get to choose who you are and that’s what matters :). Lovely post.

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