The Christmas after Gabe died, my best friend bought me the Willow Tree Angel of Courage.I suspect that she intended to buy me one of the pregnant ones, and I think she settled on Courage, mostly because there is no angel of dead baby (But Susan Lordi, if you are listening).

Courage was more apropos than I expected.

If I had to tell you what you need to cope with the death of a child, courage would top the list. Actually, I think it’s the only thing on the list. All the other things, love, hope, laughter, a sense of humour, they are predicated on courage. It takes courage to have hope, it takes courage to laugh in the face of tragedy, it takes courage to get out of bed in the morning. It takes courage to live when part of you is dead.

One of my co-workers is pregnant. I knew her due date before she did. When she was trying to figure out when she would be due, I knew when she got pregnant. She’s a bit earlier, by perhaps 2 weeks, which is really nothing in the world of pregnancy. But I could tell her when she was due, when her trimesters ended, about when she would feel movement. I could promise with some authority that she would feel better in September. And it is hard to believe that it is 2 years and not me.

My manager asked me, after her announcement, if I was ok. “That must have been hard for you.”

And I suppose she’s right. And not. Almost 8 years ago, they told us that if we could have a baby, if, the process would be long and costly, and difficult. And Mr. Spit and I were ok with not having kids. No, ok isn’t right. We mostly accepted it. Decisions like that aren’t accepted clearly or easily. Sometimes we would stand and face not having kids, and sometimes we would talk about when we have children.

And then there was a new protocol, and we decided to try. And Gabe was conceived. And it was all so easy. And then it wasn’t any more.

And we are kind of in that place now, not sure what to do. Not sure if we want back on the horse, and how much time we want to spend. We debate. A year of trying. Not pregnant. But, 3 miscarriages, so something’s working well. High risk pregnancy. We go back and forth.

And all of this went through my mind, as I balance career choices and wants and where I am and where I so desperately want to be, and where I thought I would be. And I think about hard.

And then I can see her, with her arms outstretched.


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20 Responses to Courage

  1. blueeyedtawni says:

    i think crossing different paths are hard ones to choose from. but sometimes in amidst of hellish fury and pain, a certain path suddenly shines with this beautiful light. showing the least thats how i like to think of it.
    much hugs to you 🙂

  2. Donna says:

    You have shown more courage than you will ever know.

  3. Calliope says:

    and you are you I see when I think of courage. I see you. This site. Your words. You inspire daily.
    thinking of you…

  4. Sigrun says:

    I'm thinking that it's time to put it in the Lord's hands. Pray for what's best for you (not necessarily what you want). I know you two would be the greatest parents. My prayers of petition are always for what I want and for what I think I need, but I always end with "Thy will be done". Then if there are choices to be made by you, perhaps the choice will become clearer.

  5. Martha says:

    I wish you and Mr.Spit had had a choice.

  6. Heidi says:

    You are full of courage. You let it spill out to others too.

  7. Just Breathe says:

    Courage you must have to go though what you have been though and get out of bed each day. Strength too!
    I love the Willow Tree Angels.
    Take care and God bless.

  8. Trish says:

    Big hugs to you.. Rooting for you no matter what path you choose, or which one you find yourself on.

  9. Tash says:

    It takes courage to make decisions. Sometimes I think I'm the biggest wuss out there for not facing up to them and dealing with them head on.

    Love to you.

  10. HereWeGoAJen says:

    Your courage is clearly visible to everyone who knows you.

    It's a hard path, no matter which direction you chose to walk.

  11. Aunt Becky says:

    you are very, very courageous.

  12. Kristin says:

    You truly are courageous.

  13. alicia says:

    I pray for you that lots of courage will come. and just reading your posts and getting to actually know you I can say you are filled with courage, and have shown so much courage! hugs

  14. Jacquie says:

    You certainly are no Cowardly Lion. You are an amazing woman. xxx

  15. Debby says:

    I've never seen that angel, but you know, she fits you, Mrs. Spit. You are that angel.

  16. Hope's Mama says:

    You have courage, wisdom and grace I could only dream of having. Stunning post, as always. I always feel more enriched for reading here.

  17. Sue says:

    You are amazing, you and Mr. Spit. Brave and strong.

    As you say, 3 losses, so something is working. This is personal, so I hope I'm not being rude, but have you an RE you trust and respect?

    I am still scared to death to start all this again, but I trust my RE, and feel that he respects us and our choices. We feel like he is really there to help us at every step, until 10 or 12 weeks anyway. After that I can do acupuncture with him, so I feel like he'll still be keeping an eye on me.
    If we get pg, of course. And if it goes beyond 5 wks, of course.

    The point of all this rambling is that having that kind of support makes it incrementally easier to move forward in this direction.

    If this is obvious, or none of my business, please disregard it. And just know that I'm sending both my love and support as you navigate these waters.

  18. meinsideout says:

    I like the new look. You are very courageous and, more so, inspiring.

  19. JamieD says:

    You are one of the most courageous women I've had the honor to meet.

  20. Ya Chun says:

    It does take courage, more than I realized at first.

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