I replaced my Mac last week. This is a mostly seamless process, with a few things. (The new mac doesn’t have an ethernet port. That was a startling realization at the office, where we are completely wired!)
Outlook spent most of yesterday evening importing emails and calendars. Working backward from Yesterday (PG for SF Convocation), I watched netflix and watched outlook work through the last 10 years of my life.
I was still married (Date Night. Star Wars!) I was still friends (Send Matt’s birthday card, Adam’s birthday). I was still working for my old firm (VBE trip, staying over weekend). I was still at ATB (Daily Defect Call). My mother was still alive and in my life (hold for Mum’s cataract surgery). My father in law was still alive (Mail Otto’s Birthday card). I was still going to church (Hold for Altar Guild Lunch and Training). I was still trying to get pregnant (Hold for HSG). I was pregnant with Gabe (Midwife Appointment).
Possibly it’s because I’m “Home” this weekend. Staying in a hotel where I last stayed for another niece’s grad. Only that time I was still married. The church I was baptized in is a short walk away. The funeral home we held my father in law’s service in is a quick drive. The hospital I was born in is just out of view from my window.
The reminders were mostly innocuous. Things that I didn’t even remember. (I went to a doula workshop? Really?). Lots of bookings for nieces and nephews. I didn’t realize I had been meeting the same set of friends for a drink’s night for quite that long. Some transported me. (Jamaica, San Francisco, Florida). Some took my breath away (Gabe’s post mortem).
Not quite 2 months ago I was inexplicably stricken with anxiety. Not for a single thing, but a nameless sort of dread which stalked me. I could and would calm myself down. I would go from short of breath and pounding heart to calm again. Several times a day.
I spoke to professionals, did much soul searching. It could be MS. Perhaps also this: There has been deep and profound change. They kept telling me this and I kept brushing it off.
And then I watched the reminders roll past me. Outlook took me past what my life is now and what it was and there is very little that is the same. This morning I find myself both weary and sad.
This was not the life I thought I was going to have.
I am working through the anxiety in a variety of ways. I know it will be ok.
That’s the other thing that Outlook did for me. They were just appointments, but they took some strength to get through. Sometimes they gave me strength. All of those things, all of the things that took my breath away, all of the times I wondered how I would cope –
Just like I will this time.