Trudge

Spring in  Alberta is a strange time. Every spring, I wait to see what plants have come back and which have died. The time where you can see the remnants of the plant from last year, but you can’t see any green. You aren’t sure if it’s dead, so you can’t pull it out of the ground. There’s nothing to do but wait. I did that for three weeks. This last weekend is where I declared things dead and moved forward with planting new things.

My boss asked, in a meeting, if I wanted to take on a project. I am spectacularly fortunate to be asked this. Most bosses don’t care. Most people have nowhere near as much control over their work tasks as I do. It’s important to be grateful for this.

But the truth is – I don’t care. The truth is the list of things I want to do involve – well, pretty much nothing. Maybe curling up in a ball and sleeping?

The list of things I look forward to? It’s empty. The list of things I want to do? Nil. Things that get me excited? Nothing.

Getting dumped by someone I knew, someone I trusted and someone I let in? Kick in the gut. The teeth. The head. The kidneys.

Before you panic, I’m not going to end my life. That’s the whole point of this post. It’s the part where I grit my teeth and declare my intention to trudge on.

So, trudge. Get up, go to work. Pull weeds. Clean the cat litter. Eat food. Go see friends.  Take the garbage out. Pet the dog.  Knit things that need to be knitted. Do it all again the next day. And the next. And the one after that.

I’m almost 40. This is just waiting. Eventually, I’ll move forward. I hope.

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4 Responses to Trudge

  1. a says:

    It sucks that the only way to form relationships is to let people in. Opening yourself up to the possibility of betrayal seems like a stupid thing to do, but the payoff can be worth it. I’m glad you were brave enough to try, though.

  2. Peg says:

    hang in there! I love the use of the word “trudge.” you always have such a lovely use of words. as the commenter said above, please keep being brave to let people in. you have so much to give.

  3. Naomi Miller says:

    Aargh, sorry to hear how life and people have been treating you lately. I am glad that “go see friends” is on your list. I tend to hibernate at these times even though I know that seeing friends is just about the best thing one can do for one’s mental health and sanity (i.e. to confirm that it’s not you). Trudging in spring has to at least beat trudging in fall. Going to beautiful places can also be quite medicinal for me. Hang in there and hope things get better very soon.
    Best wishes,
    Naomi

  4. loribeth61 says:

    “Trudge” is a great word, and yes, as Naomi says above, trudging in the spring beats trudging in the fall (or winter!). Sending (((hugs))).

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