The Sea of Disconnect

I would like to be the person who starts this post with my favourite quote by Eleanor Roosevelt – that most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Except I threw out 5 mostly uneaten cakes this morning. This offends my sense of waste, but I really didn’t have it in me to haul them into the office.

Yesterday was the thank you I threw for my MBA. It wasn’t so much a “yay me” event as wanting to say thank you to the many people who helped me get my MBA. Those who encouraged me, those who reminded me to get away from my computer, those who edited my thesis or my papers, those who listened to me rant. I wanted to hug them and tell them they mattered, that this was a bit their degree too. I baked and decorated 5 different types of cake. Decorated the back yard.

I invited 36 people.

7 came.

Which meant the 5 homemade cakes and rather a lot of fruit, the lemonade and the beer my best friend brewed went uneaten and remains not drank.

I took the garbage out and sat on my kitchen floor and cried.

There were a variety of reasons – soccer games, music festivals, working, moving, other commitments. Simple fatigue. The rational part of me, the part that wants to embrace the quote, understands life happens. Life is busy and we can’t do all the things that we want to do.*

But oh, the other voice. The voice that says I am tiresome to spend time with, that I am alone, disconnected, unimportant. That’s the voice that is screaming today.

The trick is not to force myself to be happy. That will come. I know it will. The trick, on days like today, is to remind myself the other voice – the one that tells me no one likes me, that no one cares about me, that I am annoying to be around and that I will die alone and unloved-

It’s lying.

So for today, I won’t force myself to be happy. I’ll just force myself to be reasonable.

*I invited Mr. Spit, since he has truly helped in the process. He said he would come and then didn’t show up because he had a date. I rather think that his absence was intended to be a bit of a slight.


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5 Responses to The Sea of Disconnect

  1. Scientistmother says:

    You are allowed to feel this way but just know it’s not true. I’ve had that happen after my MSc. It hurt.

    But the seven that were there. They show you. You are loved. You are amazing.

  2. Peg says:

    So sorry. Every right to feel but also every reason to know you are supported by those 7 who did come. Hang in there.

  3. Jane says:

    N would love to come and help drink the beer. And talk brewing.

    (the non-attendees are a load of rotters. And we love the 7).

  4. Chris says:

    Oh I wish I could give you a hug. It reminds me of my high school graduation party. I invited about 30 people. 2 people came. And they made an appearance only because there were other “better” parties to go to. It’s been over 20 years and I still feel like crying on the floor with you. So, I send hugs and gratitude for the 7.

  5. loribeth61 says:

    I’m assuming the missing 29 sent regrets/excuses, with the exception of Mr. Spit? I am not much for entertaining myself, but I hear from others about their own parties & their kids’ parties, & it seems it’s like pulling teeth to get people to RSVP and then actually show up for stuff these days. :p I would have been crushed too, especially after going to all that work!! I am so sorry the party didn’t turn out exactly as you’d hoped (you deserve better) — but yay to the 7 who were there!.

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