I would like to be the person who starts this post with my favourite quote by Eleanor Roosevelt – that most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Except I threw out 5 mostly uneaten cakes this morning. This offends my sense of waste, but I really didn’t have it in me to haul them into the office.
Yesterday was the thank you I threw for my MBA. It wasn’t so much a “yay me” event as wanting to say thank you to the many people who helped me get my MBA. Those who encouraged me, those who reminded me to get away from my computer, those who edited my thesis or my papers, those who listened to me rant. I wanted to hug them and tell them they mattered, that this was a bit their degree too. I baked and decorated 5 different types of cake. Decorated the back yard.
I invited 36 people.
Which meant the 5 homemade cakes and rather a lot of fruit, the lemonade and the beer my best friend brewed went uneaten and remains not drank.
I took the garbage out and sat on my kitchen floor and cried.
There were a variety of reasons – soccer games, music festivals, working, moving, other commitments. Simple fatigue. The rational part of me, the part that wants to embrace the quote, understands life happens. Life is busy and we can’t do all the things that we want to do.*
But oh, the other voice. The voice that says I am tiresome to spend time with, that I am alone, disconnected, unimportant. That’s the voice that is screaming today.
The trick is not to force myself to be happy. That will come. I know it will. The trick, on days like today, is to remind myself the other voice – the one that tells me no one likes me, that no one cares about me, that I am annoying to be around and that I will die alone and unloved-
So for today, I won’t force myself to be happy. I’ll just force myself to be reasonable.
*I invited Mr. Spit, since he has truly helped in the process. He said he would come and then didn’t show up because he had a date. I rather think that his absence was intended to be a bit of a slight.