I had this notion, in the last 2 months of trudging, that I would be happy again. It probably wouldn’t come all at once, it might take time, but it would happen. Some of it was based on experience – I’ve been miserable before. Happy comes back.
Mostly because of this – I hate feeling miserable. I sometimes wish I could be the sort of person who could mope for long periods of time – but I’m not. I like being happy and I tend to get exasperated with myself when I’m unhappy. Eventually, I decide to be happy again. *
Last week was truly awful. There was a 21 hour trip, including 11 hours in taxi’s, on planes, in airports didn’t help. I am working on three projects right now and every last one of them is going badly. A door slammed in my face (turns out the farm boy is dating someone already. No, that didn’t take long. Yes, she was probably around before he dumped me. No, I’m actually not going to spend a lot of time thinking about this because it’s not going to help.)
About Sunday I decided I’d had enough. Time to take charge.
I’ve deleted social media, other than Instagram, off my phone. I’ve been slow and terse to return texts to people who were draining me. I emailed the local girl guide group to see about volunteering in September. I made a list of things I want to do this summer and who I might be able to do them with (Also, if you were looking for a buddy to do something with and you are local, send me a note. Chances are I’m happy to come along). I shelled out some money and joined an internet dating site. I started going to the gym and tracking what I ate (which tends to mean I make better food choices because I feel stupid saying I had half a chocolate bar and some gummy bears for dinner). I formally deferred my acceptance of my Master’s degree for a year. I’ll keep on with the meditation I’m already doing.
Is it going to fix everything overnight? No. It didn’t break in a day either. It was a long, slow break. So slow that I didn’t really notice things were breaking until they were really broken.
So, it’s better. Not because it’s fixed but because I can see the light on the horizon. I’m not paralyzed any more and I can figure out where to start. There’s still some trudging, but it’s not all uphill. That’s a good start.
*I’m cautious about saying this because it can lead to the implication that people who are unhappy chose to be so. Sometimes things like depression, grief and strife cause deep, profound and lasting unhappiness. No amount of deciding to be happy will fix this, anyone who says you can choose not to be clinically depressed or grief-stricken is an asshole.