And Put up Your Own Star

Christmas last year was painful. No one invited me anywhere. I wound up finding a place to go, but I was a not great fit and it was almost worse than having nowhere to go at all. (Again, PSA – if you know someone whose life changed in 2018, *please* ask if they have somewhere to go for Christmas. Seriously. I’m begging you on their behalf.)

This year? It’s been less painful and more. Like all big losses, there’s the first terrible year, and then, well, there’s the next year.

This year, without school, with a bit more time behind me, I could make plans. A friend and I are swapping stockings, which takes care of the present issue. I ordered Christmas cards with my grad photo and wrote a Christmas letter. I’ve volunteered to host some international students from the University, so I’ll have company and know that someone is less alone. The minion is coming to help me put up my outdoor Christmas lights.  This year I put up both Christmas trees. 

This year I opened the box I store all my ornaments in.

The ones I’ve collected for most of my life. The ones I collected while married. I took a deep breath and told myself it was time. I paused over the ornaments I bought that say “First Christmas”, “First House”. Vacations. Our honeymoon. Tucked them back in the box. I don’t know what to do with them. Something will present itself. 

And at the very end, I grabbed the step stool, stood on the top, reached up and put the star on the top of my tree. 

I’m not back. Not all the way. 

But it’s better. 

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5 Responses to And Put up Your Own Star

  1. Julie says:

    Keep trudging forward. I hope you have pleasant surprises this Christmas.

  2. Sarah says:

    Thanks for sharing your array of “little victories”.

    I’ve had similar experiences where being with people in a situation that’s not a good fit is worse than being alone. For me, much worse actually.

  3. jane says:

    Having spent a lot of time letting go of the ‘perfect’ christmas and ill judged family occasions … I am content to accept the proverbial ‘good enough’ and look for what is that for me …it is still a work in progress!

  4. Debby Hornburg says:

    It does get better but I’ve never understood why it takes so long for it to happen.

  5. loribeth says:

    I am glad it’s better. I hope it stays that way. (((hugs)))

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