Not ok and still ok.

It isn’t ok. It will never be ok.

And somehow, it will have to be ok.

I’m making my way through the idea that some people find their person quickly. For some, it takes longer. And some of us? We don’t have a person. We have pets and books and volunteer things.

Rather like abusive parents, a dead child, recurrent miscarriages, and a chronic disease, I could spend the rest of my life focusing on how not ok it is.

That would be fair.

I didn’t ask for parents who hated me. I didn’t do anything to cause my son to die. I did everything I could do to stay pregnant. MS was dumb luck.

I could hold up all the good and kind and nice things I do. I could try and point out the good in me outweighs the bad. I could make some sort of karmic balancing equation.

Which takes me back to life not being fair. And that’s not ok. But somehow, it will have to be.

I’m trying to live small.

Hope for less.

Expect as little as possible and be pleasantly surprised if more happens to come my way.

I’m trying to live in the here and now.

I’m trying not to be cynical and bitter.

Life isn’t fair, but I can be kind.

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4 Responses to Not ok and still ok.

  1. a says:

    Life isn’t fair. 🙁

    I really wish it were, though – both so good people could enjoy good things, and others could get what they deserve.

  2. Peg says:

    It’s not fair and that sucks. As you wrote, we can only control our own actions and via your words you seem like a wonderful and kind person. Hang in there.

  3. ScientistMother says:

    Oh. This broke my heart. You are such an amazing person and I wish I could help with the hurt. I have no words other than you have many people who care about you.

  4. It’s not fair. But I’m going to tell you something that amazed me then, and amazes me to this very day. When my marriage dissolved in the most awful of ways 22 years ago, I made up my mind that I would never marry again, and I meant it with all my heart. I. DID. NOT. WANT. TO. MARRY. I didn’t walk around broadcasting it, but my mind was made up. Tim and I celebrated our 20th anniversary in May. Living in the moment is a good idea. Don’t look at the future with any sort of expectation. Just wait for it to unfold. You are a good person.

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