Space for Both

The problem (besides all the obvious ones) of being dumped 24 hours before you get laid off is that both of those things are rather monumental and require adjustment and a bit of grief, but different sorts of adjustment and grief.

The layoff is terrifying for all the reasons I’ve told you. I still don’t know how I pay my mortgage if I don’t have a job in September, but I’ve mostly reached the point where I know that I am doing all that I can to find a new job: I’ve reached out to former colleagues and employers, I’m hunting for new jobs, I’ve reached out to recruiters about contracts, I’ve reached out to the University to review my resume. I’ve applied for EI, I have some money in savings. I cannot think of a single thing to do other than do all of that, cross my fingers and hope something breaks my way.

The heartbreak? It sort of sneaks up. I was sending someone a text last night and in the middle of my most used emoji’s were a few that I used to send to J. on a regular basis.

It’s a sudden drop in your gut, it takes a minute to catch your breath. You feel a bit absent from your body for just a second.

I catch my breath. Try and remember to speak gently to myself. Get enough sleep, remember to eat. Keep doing the stretches for sciatica. Walk the dog. Force myself to reach out to friends. Make to-do lists and cross things off.

Each morning I wake up and I have to tell msyelf – gently – that I have to get up. Not because there is any reason to. There isn’t. There is not an employer or a partner who will notice if I got out of bed at all. I still have to get up. Confront that I am both unemployed and not worth dating.

And then write a to-do list and tick things off. About 5 pm I’m out of mental energy. I can’t figure out what to do next. The time passes slowly after 5. But somehow it does.

I’m sorry. I’m not cheerful. It’s a bit better. The blind panic has worn off, perhaps because it becomes exhausting. There comes a point where you have to tell yourself that there is nothing more that you can do, what will be, will be come September.

And now?

Now it’s a bit less panic and a lot more heartbreak.

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3 Responses to Space for Both

  1. a says:

    Unemployed – yes, OK. Not worth dating – nope. Just self-pity talking there. You and J weren’t right for each other, in his estimation. What does that have to do with whether you’re worth dating? Self-pity is fine for a little bit when it takes the form of “why does my life suck so much right now?” It’s not fine when you’ve done nothing but be yourself, and someone decides that they want different things (or they’re scared or whatever). Be your own awesome self – whoever doesn’t recognize your awesomeness is the one who lacks vision.

  2. Scientistmother says:

    You ARE worth it. You have shown you don’t need someone to make you whole. Of course we want to share our lives with people but those people need to respect us. J didn’t respect you enough to be an adult and have a conservation. He’s not worth you.

  3. Debby says:

    I shrieked a little when I saw the words. You ARE worth it. Worth dating, worth knowing, worth talking with, worth reading, worth your paycheck…YOU ARE WORTH IT. Do not let someone else determine your worth.

    Love,

    From someone who made that very mistake.

    Over and over again.

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