Humans, if you were wondering, share about 60% of their DNA with a banana. (This explains a great many interactions, I think). We are a bit more than 60% water. The cost to remake a human, using elements purchased on the open market is about $160.00. Most of that cost is in potassium. (It must be the shared genetic material with bananas). None of what I have just described is complicated or fragile.
Indeed, I’m not what you might call fragile. I was not raised to be fragile, I was not educated to be fragile, you might even argue that I am temperamentally unsuited to be fragile.
And yet, here I am.
But also, slowly, learning to stand up for myself. I have, twice in the last week, asked to not talk about my job hunt or why things ended with J. I have enough mental energy to apply for jobs, do some networking, check in with recruiters, do interview prep when required. I do not have enough energy to tell you all the things I am doing. The fact that I am unemployed consumes rather a lot of mental energy. I’d rather not talk about it.
And J? I feel a bit blunt and mean, but the guy who ghosted me and then dumped me in a text message after 5 months of I love, sex and meeting his family? He’s not worth either of our time.
I turned down a visit with someone, largely because they manage to make their visits all about them. My life has fallen apart around my ears. I may be sorry for your struggles, but I do not have the emotional energy to dedicate to listening.
And finally this- I speak to myself gently. It’s a struggle to get up in the morning, mostly because there is no point. Every day is the same. Do some stuff about finding a job. Work on python, statistics, read Foucault. Do things around the house. Stretch, get some exercise. Take the dog for a short walk. Read novels, watch TV, knit. Try and remember to eat veggies. I can easily go a week or more without seeing another person. I have not been touched by another person in 6 weeks and it is very likely I will not be touched by another person for 6 months.
There isn’t really any reason to get up in the morning, save the dog. My alarm goes off and I start talking gently. Reminding myself that now is not forever, now is not now. I am fragile now.
It will pass.