Deal Gently

Humans, if you were wondering, share about 60% of their DNA with a banana. (This explains a great many interactions, I think). We are a bit more than 60% water. The cost to remake a human, using elements purchased on the open market is about $160.00. Most of that cost is in potassium. (It must be the shared genetic material with bananas). None of what I have just described is complicated or fragile.

Indeed, I’m not what you might call fragile. I was not raised to be fragile, I was not educated to be fragile, you might even argue that I am temperamentally unsuited to be fragile.

And yet, here I am.

Fragile.

But also, slowly, learning to stand up for myself. I have, twice in the last week, asked to not talk about my job hunt or why things ended with J. I have enough mental energy to apply for jobs, do some networking, check in with recruiters, do interview prep when required. I do not have enough energy to tell you all the things I am doing. The fact that I am unemployed consumes rather a lot of mental energy. I’d rather not talk about it.

And J? I feel a bit blunt and mean, but the guy who ghosted me and then dumped me in a text message after 5 months of I love, sex and meeting his family? He’s not worth either of our time.

I turned down a visit with someone, largely because they manage to make their visits all about them. My life has fallen apart around my ears. I may be sorry for your struggles, but I do not have the emotional energy to dedicate to listening.

And finally this- I speak to myself gently. It’s a struggle to get up in the morning, mostly because there is no point. Every day is the same. Do some stuff about finding a job. Work on python, statistics, read Foucault. Do things around the house. Stretch, get some exercise. Take the dog for a short walk. Read novels, watch TV, knit. Try and remember to eat veggies. I can easily go a week or more without seeing another person. I have not been touched by another person in 6 weeks and it is very likely I will not be touched by another person for 6 months.

There isn’t really any reason to get up in the morning, save the dog. My alarm goes off and I start talking gently. Reminding myself that now is not forever, now is not now. I am fragile now.

It will pass.

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5 Responses to Deal Gently

  1. anon says:

    Perhaps it will cheer you up to hear I’m married, living in the quarantine and haven’t been touched by another human in much longer than 6 weeks. And I hear you…..each day is like the last. Were it not for my dog I’d be finding it all rather pointless stuck in the house forever on end. Hang in there.

  2. Phoenix says:

    Brilliant! “I have enough mental energy to [do all the things]… I do not have enough energy to tell you all [about it].” This helps me understand my irritation with certain conversation topics, like moving and applying for jobs, especially with certain people. It also reminds me that people can be vampires and steal our energy.

    I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. And you are right: now is not forever. Continue gently. <3

  3. Debby says:

    I like that you recognize people that you don’t have the energy to deal with. I’m not like that. It’s depleting. I hate that you are feeling like this.

  4. Mary says:

    I’m so sorry everything is happening at once but I love your strategies. Breakups, job losses, recent losses of loved ones are hard (nevermind happening at the same time), add a pandemic and it really is overwhelming. I’m glad you are being gentle with yourself, and avoiding anyone who is sapping your energy. I love reading your blog, you are an amazing writer.

  5. Scientist mother says:

    Oh gosh. The sameness of the day’s is killing me. I supposed the bright side is that you are not alone in the sameness -ness of it. Thought being unemployed is never easy. You’ve had TWO interview and are amazing. Enjoy this down time bc you’ll have a job soon

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