speak gently

The anxiety started about a week ago. It was a bit unsurprising. When I was laid off, I was reasonably convinced I would start September with a job. That gave me the summer off, which I had savings for, and then job in the fall. For this to work, I needed to have a job in hand by the middle of August.

It has not worked this way. It turns out that the universe did not get my message. My employer had promised me a top-up to my EI benefits, and while that has never materialized, a part-time position at the university that will stretch until the end of December will allow me to continue to function until December without the top-up from my employer. I’ll keep applying for jobs.

I passed an imaginary deadline and started to panic. I managed, bit by bit. A dose of Ativan, distraction, exercise. The days continued and so did the anxiety.

And finally one morning, reassurance. To myself. I lay in bed and reminded myself of all of the times that I have fixed things, figured things out. All of the things in the universe that have tried to break me, tried to kill me.

I told myself that it was ok to be tired. It was ok to be scared. It was ok to be terrified. It was ok to be overwhelmed. I didn’t have to fix everything. I just had to survive long enough to eventually be able to fix things.

It’s better with that.

This entry was posted in Feats of Wonder, Pandemic. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to speak gently

  1. a says:

    From my perspective: You may not have made your deadlines, but *something* came along to allow you to extend that deadline. So I will believe that the universe will deliver in good time. And now you have a few more months for it to work itself out. You’ve been good at making things work so far…

  2. Debby says:

    I always try to deal with hard times by working through them one day at a time. Looking too far ahead meant that I was worrying about things that might happen. Worrying one day at a time keeps you focused on the things your mind really needs to sort out. The real problems.

  3. Peggy McCarthy says:

    Sorry for the anxiety storm. I have faith in your ability to weather it. Hang in there.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *