Even Now.

There are times, even now, that I have to stop myself. I have to stop myself from typing Anna’s name into Outlook, stop myself from picking up my work phone and calling her. We have an instant message client at work now, and I can imagine sending her random smilies.

There are times, even now, when I wonder what she thinks about something, and I am so very close to asking her, that I can almost hear her voice.

There are times, even now, when I form the words pulmonary embolism, and 36 in my mind, and my mind explores around them, and I cannot fathom them. I cannot reconcile Anna dead and gone.

I look at the note from her on my cabinet at work, and I cannot believe it wasn’t just sent yesterday.

And I see the pictures of Emma’s birthday party, and I cannot believe that Anna wasn’t there.

And there are times, even now, when I am about to do something else, and I stop in at Facebook, and I see the odd shot, amidst all of them that her husband posted tonight, and I cannot stop. My eyes fill with tears and my hands come to my mouth.

And even now, I cannot believe how much I miss her, and how much this hurts.

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18 Responses to Even Now.

  1. Seraphim says:

    I'm truly sorry Mrs Spit. This is pain I understand and am sending my heartfelt sympathy to you xxxx

  2. jess says:

    I'm so sorry. It's unimaginable that something like this can happen, somehow even after it has happened it's still unimaginable.

    You and Anna's family will be in my prayers.

  3. jess says:

    I'm so sorry. It's unimaginable that something like this can happen, somehow even after it has happened it's still unimaginable.

    You and Anna's family will be in my prayers.

  4. loribeth says:

    No words, just (((((hugs))))).

  5. Sam says:

    There is truly nothing anyone can say except that we are all thinking of you and Anna's family

  6. areyoukiddingme says:

    My sympathies…

  7. erin says:

    "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~Flavia Weedn

  8. Kristin says:

    I am so sorry. She must have been an incredible person and friend.

  9. Bluebird says:

    I can't imagine the enormity of this loss. I'm still so very sorry.

  10. Martha says:

    I am so sorry you are missing your friend, Anna.
    ((Hugs)), prayers, and love to you and her family who miss her so.
    36 beautiful, young years old, that is just wrong.

  11. JuliaS says:

    {{hugs}} Mrs. Spit, I know you miss your dear friend.

  12. meinsideout says:


  13. Jacquie says:


  14. Brown Owl says:

    You two made a great team. She is missed by many of us. Love and prayers and many hugs….

  15. Sue says:

    I'm so sorry. It's so hard.

    A couple of months after my mother died, my brother opened up his ya.hoo messenger and found a message she had sent him. Just something simple, like Thinking of you, xox. Love, Mom.

    So hard.

  16. Aunt Becky says:

    I still see Stef's name in my address book, which has been transported into my iPhone contacts. And every time I do, I feel breathless. I can't undo it. I can't erase it. It would be a betrayal to her.

    I'm praying for everyone.

    Love. To all.

  17. JamieD says:

    I am so sorry. You describe Anna as such a dear friend and extraordinary person – I can only imagine the hole she has left in your life.

    Thinking of you . . .

  18. Sweet Camden Lass says:

    I still talk to Em. I want to text her. I can't delete her from my phone, from my email, I can't rub her name out from my address book. There are things I want to share *PROPERLY*

    A picture of her looks over me. Her Dear Other came over a couple of nights ago, and peered at it, in among all my other photos.

    Tough, isn't it.

    Worse, though, is propping everyone else up through their grief about her, on top of my own. I'm not very good at that yet.

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