$50 Sad

The thing about where I live is that on the longest day of the year, it will be light for about 17 hours. Even when the sun goes down, it doesn’t really go down. The flip side to that is on the shortest day of the year, it will be light for about 7.5 hours.

This is the time of year that I look up from making dinner and it’s dark. I know that it’s only going to get worse. We still have another 2 hours of daylight to lose before the winter solstice. Normally I would count on the lights, the company, and the comfort of Christmas. I would start making plans for what I’m going to feed my international students. I would start building stockings for them, thinking about decorations. While it isn’t the same as having an actual family, for a few hours at least, on Christmas day, I get to be someone’s family. I’m a bit less alone.

Covid means that there will be no international students this year. There won’t be a trip to Messiah, there won’t be drinks with colleagues, there won’t be much of anything. I will spend the holiday completely alone, instead of mostly alone. I don’t know what to do with that. It feels so overwhelming that my breath freezes in my throat. I’m going to have to deal with this, but if Covid has taught me anything, sometimes you postpone your sorrow. Sometimes you go for a long walk or a bike ride or your dig in your garden and wait on feeling those feelings until it isn’t all too much.

It’s winter. My garden is not yet frozen, but it will be. I will walk the dog, but my bike is put away. Fresh air and sunlight will be harder. I need another plan. Someone on twitter (one of my main sources of socialization these days) suggested a SAD light.

I figured I might be about $50 sad. I can sit in front of it and play the Beach Boys, and just for a little bit, pretend I’m somewhere else.

I’m hoping it will help as winter sets in.

This entry was posted in Pandemic. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to $50 Sad

  1. Andrea says:

    Our Christmas will not be the same either. Our house is usually teeming with adult children, their spouses, and grandchildren. Not this year. I’ve got my Christmas shopping done and everything is wrapped because… well… I’ll be dang if everybody is going to do without gifts, as well as do without being together. If I have to, I’m going to watch the news for lockdowns and borders closing between states, etc. and drop these gifts off to their recipients a month ahead of time, if necessary. COVID will NOT stop this Mrs. Claus!!! 🙂

    I don’t know if you’re “religious” or not but when I think about this predicament for Christmas, the one thing I hear in my heart is “Well, now you can simply celebrate the true meaning of Christmas… and not just the Santa Claus part.” So perhaps that’s something you can think about too. Watch an online Christmas Mass or service… and wish the Baby Jesus a very Happy Birthday, make sure you have some really GOOD things to eat, make an online donation to your favorite charity in the sweet Baby’s honor, make sure you buy yourself some things you’d really enjoy finding under your tree on Christmas morning (books, magazines, art supplies? be sure they’re wrapped!!), light some candles, turn on the Christmas tree lights, make sure you have some of your favorite beverage to drink (special coffee? special creamer? special tea?), and have yourself a merry little personal Christmas! xoxo

  2. Depressed in CA says:

    I know. We just got through most of October where we have 3 family birthdays. There was no celebration. That’s okay, although as my last birthday in a decade I was hoping to at least have dinner with friends. But, facing no Thanksgiving or Christmas is really hard for me. It will be, as every day for the past 8 months have been, just my husband and me. I am beyond depressed. He is beyond delighted I think that he has absolutely NO social obligations. I’m ready to tear my hair out.

  3. Debby says:

    I wish I had an answer. I don’t. These days are tough days and that ‘tough’ s hitting some people harder than others. I am sorry.

  4. loribeth says:

    I am sorry you’ll be completely alone. 🙁 I am struggling with the certainty that I won’t be spending Christmas with my family for the first time in my life. It will just be me & dh. We’ll put up the tree and do something nice for dinner, and try to make the best of things, but it will definitely be a different Christmas this year. Normally, if there were some reason I couldn’t go home, I know that BIL & family would have us over, and I could take some solace in going to church on Christmas Eve — but not this year.

    I’m seriously considering a SAD light this year too.

  5. Diana says:

    If strangers you’ve never met, or corresponded with, thinking of you this season will make you feel somehow less alone, then know I will be keeping you in my thoughts. You are not alone.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *