I am superstitious about happiness. I enjoy it at the moment; I thank the universe for giving it to me. I may be happy, but I am leery of announcing my happiness. Announcing happiness is tantamount to tempting fate. I am superstitious.
Which leaves me in an interesting place. A year ago today I had been in emerg for sciatica, I had been ghosted and dumped and then I became unemployed. A year ago was truly a terrible set of days.
And now? I have someone who loves me. Kindly, gently, and with great care. I have work – more than I could have ever imagined, on a project that will support the immunization of more than 5 million people. I have finished a year more of grad school. My sciatica is a dull roar.
There are Sunday night dinners. Someone who kisses the back of my neck and tells me to sit at the table, dinner is ready. There are days filled with emails and meetings and decisions. There are Sunday night dinners and an ongoing project with the kids to make the world’s best ice cream.
I am hesitant to proclaim my current happiness because I know that it was nothing I did to solve my employment problems. It was the random chance of a dating website that made me match with the gentleman caller. If I have learned anything in my 42 years, it’s that happiness is an arbitrary thing. It cannot be forced, it is not earned. It doesn’t arrive because you are kind are good.
So, I’ll whisper into the universe. A year ago today I was lonely, frightened, exhausted, ill and sad. I am not today.