Here I am

So, here I am. Deep in the land of requirements, of stakeholder engagement, of explaining business needs to software developers.

Here I am, leading a project to build a knowledge base for perinatal services. Here I am, sitting through the perinatology orientation with grace, even though it is less professional knowledge and more personal history.

Here I am, late on a Tuesday night, pulling up the first-trimester vaginal bleeding decision tree. The software developer and my stakeholders walk through the assessment – is the cervix open, are HCG levels doubling, ultrasound, medical management of miscarriage, retained products of conception.

Here I am confirming – the developer is satisfied – he has what he needs to write code.

Here I am – the mother of dead children. Gasping at an inevitable cascade that cannot be stopped.

Here I am, as I have been for 14 years, 2 people in one.

Here I am ticking that agenda item off the list and moving on to the next.

For perhaps a split second, those 2 women were in the same place and a decision tree merges with memory.

And here I am wondering how the hell to ever reconcile this.